First Christmas Fail of The Season

If you've been reading awhile... you know that I am not shy about admitting when I fail... it's part of life!

I don't try to be something I'm not, but I do what I can, ya know??

So right now, unless you live in a hole, you have probably seen some of these insane Elf on the Shelf things... and all the crap that women with a whole lot of motivation (no offense) make them do.

Listen... I'm not judging, to each their own.

But me??

I'm not about to make a mess, that I will end up cleaning up anyway, even though "the elf did it".

Ohandplusalso... if I dye my milk green won't it A) taste disgusting and B) give my children free reign to do it themselves???

Truth is, I'm not like super duper motivated to teach my kids how to be big pains in the ass right now.

BUT... I am totally on board for simple things that don't take much time and don't teach my kids that mischief equals good times had by all... cause no.

Anyway, I decided that our Elf, "Wonky Wonk," would set up a project for the kids... cause they love a good project.

Wonky Wonk brought both kids some magic beans (Whoppers), that they would "plant," in a glass jar, and cover with sugar...and after a little while, something special would grow.

Seems simple enough right???

The whole thing took me less than 5 minutes to set up.

So morning comes, and Boyfriend is all, "Can we go find Wonky Wonk?"

And I'm all... "No, please, don't... don't leave me laying in bed all by myself... oh okay alright."

So off they go to find the Elf, and off I go to close my eyes and pray that they get lost on the way to the kitchen table... giving me five more minutes of sleep.

Now I'm not sure WHY I thought that they would wait for me before touching the whole project set up... but I did.

Boyfriend comes back upstairs, mouth full, and is all, "Wonky Wonk yeft us candy!!"

Okay... awesome...the kids ate the beans (Whoppers)... now what the fuck was I supposed to do with the whole project and note and sugar??

By the time I got downstairs to the kitchen table, Boyfriend was BEGGING me to read Wonky Wonk's note and Girlfriend was eating sugar by the handfuls.

I toyed around with the idea of making up some BS about what the note said, but then how the Hell would I explain the bowls of sugar??

In the end, I decided that honesty was the best policy, and just read the note.

I did NOT expect them to start panicking and running around the house and screaming, "WE ATE THE BEANS! WE ATE THE BEANS!"

They were seriously stressed about the beans.

Boyfriend started punching himself in the stomach and was almost in tears screeching, "AM I GOING TO GROW A BEANSTALK??? AM I GOING TO TURN INTO A REINDEER?? AM I AN ELF??"

And Girlfriend, bless her heart, she does whatever her brother does...

So she started running around and panicking too... and it was only when Boyfriend noticed Girlfriend being a complete lunatic that he he started screaming, "MOM! IS SHE SHRINKING!? MOM... IS SHE GETTING SMALLER??"

And so the two of them decide that they are shrinking and Boyfriend decides his ears are growing pointy and they must call Hunny and tell her that they are now Elves and not kids.

It was just too much... they were absolutely killing me... they called my mom and they were all, "WE ATE THE BEANS, WE ATE THE BEANS!"

I mean... I guess this was a Christmas fail... but... it was also hysterical and something that I will never, ever, ever forget for the rest of my life.

Don't worry... the kids decided to write Santa a letter and apologize for eating the magic beans...

And Wonky Wonk headed back to the North Pole at nap time and brought back new beans.

This time the beans were actually quinoa, so the temptation to eat them was no longer there.

When they woke up from their naps the kids died with excitement over the quinoa magic beans... which they promptly dumped into the glass jar, before adding in sugar, and then.... waiting...

And waiting...

And asking me nine thousand times if something was going to grow soon... when? when? WHEEEENNNNNN!

So when Husband got off work, while the kids were snuggling with their dad and watching youtube videos... I popped some candy canes into the jar, and waited for the kids minds to be blown.

 And they were.

I have to be honest, this year is the first that Elf on the Shelf is actually super duper exciting and fun... because Boyfriend is 100% into it.

Hell he even ate magic beans and now thinks he will be an Elf until Christmas Day.... having a kid that believes is the freaking best.


  1. I swear your life should be on a reality show. Your kids are absolutely hilarious! Love having a big smile on my face to finally start the day. You know, three hours after my kids woke me up.

  2. Love this; not a fail at all! Your kids are so adorable!


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