Even Me Out

Last night, after I was done smelling my son's head (what?), I couldn't find my retainer (what?).

Yes, I am almost 28 years old (damn, when the eff did that happen?) and I sleep with a retainer. Like, every night.

Okay, I am way down playing the situation. I am obsessed and can not sleep without my retainer, which, by chance I stepped on two years ago and is broken straight down the middle. It also says "April" on it... which is neither my name, or the month I got it. I have no idea why my orthodontist wrote "April" on it, but he did. It gives my little retainer some character, and it's a funny story to tell, so I don't mind.

Anyway, my broken retainer with someone else's name on it (what?), still fits perfectly in my mouth, and keeps my teeth oh-so-straight. So, laugh if you want, but I bet my teeth are straighter than yours. And let's not forget that I get to talk in a hotter than normal voice.

I knew when I couldn't find my retainer, that it was Husband's fault. Isn't it always the Husband's fault? Yes. The answer is yes. So, I beg him to find it, even as he is insisting that he wouldn't, "EVER touch that thing"... I knew he moved it. And I was right, he had.

The second he found it, I jumped out of bed to do an, "I told-you-sooooo," dance, and stubbed my toe.

So freaking bad. In my brain, I saw my toe pulsating and throbbing, tripling in size like a cartoon. It hurt like Hell. It was one of those jump up and down, pant and wave your arms hurt. It hurt so bad that I hopped around like a maniac, and ran to our adjoining bathroom, and threw myself on the floor laughing.

I don't know why, it definitley wasn't funny. Do you ever get hurt like that? So bad that it is funny, even though it's not?? You know how dumb you look jumping up and down in your pajamas while your Husband, who was just listening to you complain about your freaking retainer, watches??

Mind you, Husband is literally just watching me, with no expression. Like he has seen this whole act before. Like he is totally not impressed, or moved by my stubbed toe.

Yeh, it was like that.

As I laid on the bathroom floor laughing hysterically, but really actually in pain, I kept waiting for Husband to come check on me. And waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Finally, I took a deep breath, stopped laughing, and sat up. Husband was watching TV and ignoring me, like I wasn't even there.

He didn't even glance in my direction when I got up, walked across the room, and got in bed. Finally, on a commercial break he turned to me.

"I cant take you seriously when you are ass in the air on the bathroom floor laughing."

Oh, okay. And that is why I married him.

He evens me out, he cools me down, he is the yin to my yang, the lace to my shoes. He is luke warm about food, when I am boiling hot excited about every meal I eat. He takes things in stride, while I get uber emotional and giddy about every good thing that comes our way. I say things off the cuff that more often than not make me look just a little bit dumb... while Husband would rather keep his mouth shut, and let me act-a-fool. He is shy with new people, while I am asking them their middle name, and favorite color, while painting their toe nails.

It works for us. We are our own little comedy show over here. Not opposites, but equals. Over the years we have learned to accept and support one another, no matter what.

Except for the whole retainer thing. I am pretty sure Husband could do without that.


  1. Arell, I was just catching up on your blogs when I read this one!! I have a retainer too, I prefer mouth guard. And Adam, put down that damn Monster, WTF?!! Marn

  2. Alright, this post is old but I'm a motherfuckin' stalker and clicked to read it. You and I are soulmates who have never met. I wear Invisalign so that is basically a retainer and sometimes I sound like the biggest nerd when talking.

  3. Stumbled upon this post in your "you may also like" section. Hilarious. Also, I still have my retainer. I was devastated when my dog ate my lower one (I had the super sweet clear ones). Thankfully, my lower teeth still hang out like the day my braces came off. My upper teeth part like the red sea if I go too long without wearing my schexy teef guard.


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