I was trying to figure out how to be everything to everyone, and I was forgetting about number one.... me.
Now that the kids are older and I finally remembered how to breathe (in and out, in case you're wondering)... I am in a new phase of Motherhood, and life.
Just look at me in that photo up there, graduating Law School from YALE.
Second in my class.
Right?! Amazing! I know!
Just kidding .... I haven't been gone THAT LONG.
But I did become a Justice of the Peace, and now, every so often, I get to use my love of writing to work with couples on creating a sweet and funny love story for the biggest day of their lives!
And then I deliver it, like an actual long ceremony... in front of lots of people!
And guys! I don't even fuck up!
I know. I am as surprised as you are.
Because nothing has changed, I still have no idea what I'm doing like, 100% of the time.
You know what else I do! Bartend!
And run the office for my dad's business!
And.... now I blog again.
This isn't supposed to be a list of all my hobbies.... it's supposed to be me telling you, that wouldn't you know it... it's true what they say... it's never to late to do something for yourself!
Or try something new... or FAIL at something new.
It's just never too late.
There are other phases of Motherhood... you don't just learn about babies and close the book!
There is so much that I DON'T know yet... but upon entering this new chapter, I have learned this:
Even if you got 100% lost in becoming a Mom, which is so great, and something I will never ever ever regret doing... even if you get lost and sucked in and spit out by Motherhood... when you're ready, life will still be there, waiting for you to grab it by the balls!
Yes! Life balls!
Isn't that so fucking great?
I mean come on, if you're a Mom like me then you already have your own cheering squad ready and happy to support you!
You created them! You carried them... THEY OWE YOU.
I remember when the kids were younger I would look at parents of "older" kids... I'm talking four, five, six, seven year olds... and I would think, aww... how sad, no one is excited to see your kids like they are excited to see little ones.
But you know what?
That's actually not true.
Your kids will still be just as great, in fact, they will be BETTER as they get older.... because YOU are better!
You are remembering YOU!
So that's where I am. I'm entering the, "better" stage.... the "ohhh yeh, I remember you!," stage.
The "Now I wash my face!" stage.
The "I wear jeans, and put on makeup, and there's no barf on my clothes!," stage.
This is the part when your kids get older and start to have their own lives: they get up, they get dressed, they get on the bus, they go to school...
And you have two choices... cry... or go to Target.
I personally like to do both.
I like to cry and mourn every last first that my kids do... the last first day of first grade, the last first time they kiss me goodbye on the 37th day of school...
Listen, I'm still insane... but I'm also... not stupid.
After I'm done crying I'm like... "WOOOT!!! Let's go! Marshall's baby! New shoes! No, No wait... even better! NAP TIME! FOR ME! Not you! ME!!!".... as I take a flying swan dive leap into my bed.
I've hit the next chapter... the next BEST chapter.
When everyone still loves you, and wants to be seen with you in public, and everyone still wants to snuggle, and cuddle, and lay with you and hold hands and get kisses and read books... and you are still allowed to lay their clothes out and do their hair in the morning...
I am still so needed... and so loved... but suddenly, I have FREEEEEEDOM!
Guys.. NO BABIES HAVE SUCKED ON MY BOOBS TODAY!
Honestly, for someone that loved nursing... I also love not having to be a food source.
NOT climbing into the back seat during a traffic jam and shoving my boob into a baby's face while I turn myself into a pretzel on top of the car seat, and pray that the person next to me isn't offended by my origami body all folded up and nipples out... is kind of awesome.
That's where I am.
Maybe I'm not number one just yet... but I AM BACK ON THE LIST!
And you know what?
It's pretty fucking great.
Now listen Internet.... before you get crazy... DON'T GET IT TWISTED.
I am obsessed with my children and I would LITERALLY HAVE ANOTHER BABY RIGHT THIS FREAKING MINUTE... (if my Husband would stop being such a tight ass).
I'm going to let you in on a little secret:
LOVING YOURSELF... does not mean that you don't love your kids.
It doesn't mean you love them any less.
It just means that you have room, and time, and energy for yourself.
And the truth is... for six years, I didn't have ANY of those things for myself. I just didn't.
Maybe sometimes I went through spurts of having the energy for me... but the kids, the house, the family, the husband... they always won in the end.
When you're a Mom, especially a new Mom... and someone holds up two cards, and one card says "YOU" and the other card says, pretty much anything else on Earth... the other card wins, every time.
But then something happens, the house gets quieter and time starts to come back to you a bit, and you remember yourself.
So I'm there now... tentatively treading in these new waters that include me too.
It's not just a bunch of little bobbing bodies in the shallow end anymore... now there's an adult in there too... and maybe she's in a bikini!
Maybe it's a thong!
Just kidding... it's not a thong, but I just wanted to make sure you were still paying attention.
So... if you're in the thick of it, and it feels like you're losing yourself... have faith, there is a new phase on the horizon for you... and it will be awesome.