4/22/16

Dirty Looks & Door Handles

So we are driving home from Virginia... and we are at the three hour point, and everyone is getting kinda crazy and loud and annoying so we decide to stop in Delaware at a Wa-Wa.

If you're not familiar with the humongous gas stations that are called Wa-Wa... picture like 30 gas pumps and a grocery store attached to it... like huge.

So Husband is pumping gas, and Boyfriend is dumping his Gatorade bottle full of pee, and Girlfriend is putting her shoes on, and there is a man that stopped his car just to marvel at our circus, and the Baby's freaking shoes are lost in the abyss that is a road trip car....

Can you picture this? We were a hot mess.

So I'm sweating, digging through piles of coloring books and discarded clothes, because apparently we must strip on our road trips, and finally I give up and say to Husband, "You bring the Baby, I'll take the Big Kids."

So I grab Boyfriend and Girlfriend by their wrists, because like I said, we are at Wa-Wa and the place is a freaking mad house... so I'm walking all fast and purposeful, like a Mom on a Mission does, ya know... and I'm all:

"You get one snack, and don't sit on the toilet seat, and don't touch the walls, and don't peak under other people's stalls and don't stare at strangers..."

And my Girlfriend, of course, is not paying attention to me...

I let go of her hand to grab the door handle, and she walks over to the window to look at a poster.

And because this is my life, and we know it is ridiculous...

At the EXACT moment that I swing that door open... hard as fucking Hell... my Girlfriend turns around... and I nearly knock her head off.

I hit that kid in the head with the door so freaking hard, it is amazing it didn't knock her ass out.

This happened two weeks ago and I can still see her head swing backwards when I close my eyes... and it still makes me laugh.

I'm a terrible person.

(Side note: I googled "kid getting hit in the face with door" to try to find a video of what it looked like... and this video is pretty much exactly what happened to my Girlfriend... except with the door handle.)

So anyway, I duff my kid in the face with the door handle as hard as I fucking can, and she kinda blinks once or twice and shakes it off, like: "I'm fine, I'm fine."

And she was!

She is super resilient and tough...

And also?? She doesn't believe in wasting time being hurt when she could be picking out gas station snacks...she is my daughter after all.

SO...... we finally get into the bathroom, and because I hit her in the face with the door, I let her go pee first.

You get hurt, you pee first in my book.

Boyfriend, Girlfriend and myself are all piled into the handicapped / family stall and she sits, (on the toilet paper covered seat of course), and starts to pee and looks up at me.

It occurs to me at this moment that I hadn't really looked at her since I slammed her in the face with the door....

And I notice that she has a huge bruise going down the middle of her face.

Like a huge red raised bump, as wide as the door handle...  that goes from between her eyes, to the top of her forehead.

And at this moment... I just fucking cant.

I lose my mind laughing.

Remember, she's totally fine so don't judge me when I say that I was literally laughing in her face.

I'm not trying to be a mean girl, I just can't not laugh at this whole ordeal.

The stressful ride has officially turned me into a basket case and here I am... Laughing and pointing in my kid's face in a bathroom in Delaware.

So there I was, laughing so hard that I'm choking, when my body remembers that it has to pee...

And I'm like "Get up! Get up get up GET UP! I am going to pee in my pants!"

And I'm laughing so damn hard the kids are looking at me like... ".... the fuck?"

So I reach over,  and yank that kid mid-piss off the toilet and plop my ass down and she's like, "Heyyyyy!!! I peed on my legs because of you!!!"

She's staring at me with these big brown accusing eyes like:  "I will cut you lady. I just peed on myself and you are laughing like a damn hyena on the toilet at Wa-Wa. What is SO FUCKING FUNNY!"

Except she didn't say any of that of course... she just stared at me with her door handle egg head like I had lost my damn mind.

She is so damn beautiful and I shouldn't be laughing at her getting hurt but I just, cant, stop.



I just couldn't.... I couldn't even look at her without crying and laughing and thank God I was on that toilet because LORDDDD.

This is my favorite story in life right now because sometimes I'll just be doing the dishes, or making a bed, or folding laundry, yeh, probably folding laundry cause that's all the fuck I ever do.....and my mind will give me a little present, a little wrapped up gift in the shape of my daughter giving me a dirty look with her door handle bump and I just lose my shit all over again.

And I...... I miiight be a terrible person.... but that... was the funniest moment of my life.






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