Her Story: Someone Like You

"Her Story: Someone Like You," is a new weekly feature, designed to bring us all a little closer together. Please join me as I share stories of women from all over the world. It is my hope that you will see a little of yourself or someone you know in these stories... and that you will share them... making our great big world feel a little more like a neighborhood, where no one is alone. If you would like to be featured in Her Story, please email me at ourtinyplace@gmail.com.

"I started eating the core of a pineapple, seriously, it's wood. I listened to church radio... I'm not even religious! But somewhere along the line I decided that I would grab on to any strand of hope that I could find. Seven rounds of IVF, two miscarriages, and losing a baby at 26 weeks ... all in the span of four years, will do that to a person. I had a really hard time when people around me announced their pregnancies, especially when they announced them early. I was always scared that the other shoe would drop for them, because it always dropped for me. Every time. And I would get so mad,because they were pregnant and I wasn't. It wasn't their fault, but I was still mad. Our insurance didn't cover IVF, or any medication. We spent so, so much money. We went through a lot of heartache and growing in those years. Everything was uncertain, and emotional, and my body, my poor body. But I refused to give up. We got a dog two years into our journey because I was desperate to be a mother to something! I''ll never forget when my husband tried to give me my first Lupron shot in my belly. He would get really close to me with that teeny tiny needle, and I'd start laughing and back away from him. We were both nervous and had no clue what this journey would be like... ignorance was still bliss at that point. But those needles stayed in our lives for years and I eventually became a pro at giving myself shots. Even the progesterone ones, and those are big, nasty needles full of thick oil that goes into your butt muscle. Our 7th round of IVF was our all or nothing, last chance. We were all in at that point. I emptied my 401k and prayed to Gods that I didn't even know existed before all of this started. My husband took me for acupuncture after my amazing Doctor transferred our last 3 embryos. I cant say for certain that it made a difference, but a few weeks later on February 7, 2009, I got my BFP... that's infertility speak for "Big Fat Positive"... I was pregnant. Two weeks later we heard two heart beats, and at 18 weeks 5 days we found out that our babies were fraternal twin boys. But our joy was short lived. The doctors told us at 24 weeks that one of our sons wasn't growing properly, his heartbeat was strong but his growth had stopped. We had one perfectly healthy, strong boy, and one that wasn't. There was no explanation, no reasoning...the ball was dropping again. When we found out, I decided that the boys needed names. We lost Connor Mathew on July 13, he was 26 weeks and 2 days. Connor means "strong willed," and Mathews means, "gift from God,"... we thought it was the perfect name for our baby who never lived outside of my belly, but was such a gift to us all the same. The doctors were watching me like a hawk at that point, I had appointments every other day. I remember telling one of the nurses, "I'm not leaving here with no one." I followed every instruction and did everything they asked to keep my remaining son alive. On September 29, 2009, both boys were delivered via c-section. Cole Joseph, was born strong and healthy. It was the happiest, and saddest day of my life. My very first day of Motherhood taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I held both of my babies that day, and my heart will never be the same. We still mourn Connor, and I often think about the brother that never was, but I look at Cole and know that this is the way it was supposed to be. He is everything that I always wanted, he's smart, funny and kind.. and we make a great team. I wear my necklace for the boys everyday, I never take if off. Sometimes people ask about it and I tell them my story, I'm not embarrassed or ashamed that we did IVF. It's not a bad thing, it gave me my family. I am a better mother because of all that we lost... and I am grateful every day for all that we gained."

1 comment :

  1. This is a heartbreaking, beautiful story. Made me cry at my desk at work...Sending love to you and your sons!


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