12/27/13

Holiday Hiatus 2013

Here's the most important thing that you will read all day.

Actually... it's not really important at all, but for those of you who care:

I am going to be taking some time off of blogging to celebrate the Holidays with my wee ones (use your Irish accent)... and I will be back and better than ever after the New Year.

Actually... that's a lie.

I probably won't be better than ever.

I will probably be more tired than ever, because this person that is cooking in my lady oven is humongous and wearing me the frig out.

So... I'll be back after the New Year and I will be as mediocre as ever.

Get excited!!!

Cheers to a great holiday week for you and yours... Happy New Year!!

And as always... thanks for reading.




12/26/13

He Said...

I caught Boyfriend looking sad this morning, which is impossible because the kid just got spoiled with nine million toys yesterday.

So I'm like... "Hey man, what's up?"

And he's all... "I'm sad Mom, we forgot to go Christmas Caroling on Christmas Eve."

Apparently in Boyfriend's four year old brain, all the things that happen in Elf, must happen in real life.

And since the entire city of New York has a sing along on Christmas Eve in Elf, we should do it too.

Not that we have ever gone Christmas Caroling on Christmas Eve before mind you... but he was sad all the same.

So I'm like, "Aw, you know what Bud... next year we can have a Christmas Eve party and go Christmas Caroling if you want... no problem!"

And he's all: "Really Mom?!?!"

And I'm like... "Yeh Bud, we can ask all our friends, and we can have a big dinner, and sing songs..."

And he's all... "Yeh! And drink beer! And shoot guns!"

What the???

12/25/13

Merry Christmas!!

From our crazy family, to yours...

Merry Christmas, or Merry Whatever Doesn't Offend You!

Thanks for reading!

12/20/13

She Said...

Girlfriend has been potty trained for more than 6 months already... but I am still kinda scared to let her wipe herself.

We talk about it... but I just think she won't do a good job and might give herself some sort of disgusting infection by doing it the wrong way.

Sorry, is this TMI??

Anyway... so when she goes to the bathroom, #1 or #2... she calls to us and we go wipe her.

So the other night, I get her into the bathroom, and I walk down the hall to do something else.

Before I can get back to the bathroom, there she is by my side... all done and ready to play.

This is not right, I think to myself.

Me: "Um... what are you doing?? Get back on that potty. Who wiped you?"

Her: "Oh, I wiped myself." She says this as she shrugs her shoulders and looks at me completely disinterested like... "Duh Mom... I got this."

Me: "No way Missy, pants off... back to the potty... I'm wiping you, let's go."

She follows me like a little duck and doesn't say much... she gets into the bathroom and drops her pants to her ankles.

I reach for the toilet paper and realize... there is none.

Hmm.

Me: "Wait a minute, there's no toilet paper. How did you wipe yourself if there's no toilet paper??"

Her, shrugging again: "Oh, I used Daddy's tooth brush."

She says this and looks me dead in the face as if this is the most appropriate answer and not the most ridiculous and nasty thing I have ever heard in my life.

Lucky for Husband, and all of us... the toothbrush was actually nowhere within Girlfriend's reach.

So although she may not be disgusting, she is, apparently, a liar.





12/19/13

Matilda Jane Giveaway & Review

Matilda Jane really got me this time.

They sent my Girlfriend three pieces from their Paint By Numbers line...

The Stippling Tee, the Turtledove Knot Top, and the Gallery Leggings.... and they are A-DOOOOR-ABLE (Oprah voice).

Because Matilda Jane Clothing is so unique and colorful (much like my Girlfriend)... we could pretty much match these three pieces to just about anything in Girlfriend's closet.

But... Girlfriend is two so I wasn't about to ask her to change her outfit twenty seven times to show you all the things that you can do with these pieces... so just use your imagination, mmkayy?

Color me NOT SURPRISED that Girlfriend was eating the ornaments while I took these shots.

As far as sizing goes, I would say Matilda Jane runs really true.

Girlfriend wears a 3T regularly and this outfit is a 4T... it ran a little bit and we will def get another year out of it.

Everything fit her except the pants which were way too long, so I put her in a pair of Gap sparkly, lacy leggings instead.


As far as the quality of the Matilda Jane dress and top... it is really, really good.

They are extra thick and sturdy (can you use that word when describing clothes?)... meaning they will stand the test of my Girlfriend putting them through the ringer (she plays hard).


That long sleeved t-shirt that Girlfriend is wearing didn't even get all stretchy and thin after I washed it... which happens to 99% of the Target brand stuff I buy her (just keepin' it real).

I also love that the Turtledove Knot Top can just be knotted off.... no buttons to lose!!


There is also a cute tie on the back... so this piece leaves room to grow into.


My favorite kind!

Since my kids grow like weeds and are both off the charts for height (Um, I am 5'1 so I have no idea where that came from)... I love that this piece can be adjusted over time and is built to outlast other toddler pieces.

Plus, seriously... she looks adorable in it.




Now for the good part...

If you're still looking for a good gift to give a certain trendy lady... how about a $50 Matilda Jane gift card??

Matilda Jane carries more than just toddler clothes, they run right up to Women's sizes!!

And just like their itty bitty clothes, their bigger clothes are just as unique!

Fill out the Rafflecopter Giveaway below for your chance to win... good luck!


  a Rafflecopter giveaway

12/17/13

When It Rains It Pours, Part 4

To read Part 3, go here...

When we left off it was not going so well at Our Tiny Place.

The house had stopped leaking, but we still had no idea how to fix the clog and get our whole house put back together.

Sunday afternoon came and I decided that there was really nothing else Husband could do at this point, so I sent him to his friend's house to have a beer and watch some football.

The poor guy needed a break.

I wanted him to just enjoy his afternoon and told him we would figure out how to handle the leak and water later.

There was nothing pouring out anymore... the dishwasher had been murdered by water and a crowbar by that point.


Everything was dried up using 5,000 towels and I wasn't letting the kids flush, or bathe, and laundry was at a stand still... just in case.

I called a local plumber while Husband was gone and he assured me that it was okay to wash the dishes in a different sink, and to bathe the kids anywhere but the kitchen.

So while they napped, I dragged the still dirty dishes upstairs into the beach bathroom.

I figured I could put the kids in the tub and use one sink to wash and the other to rinse nine billion dishes at the same time... a family meeting of dishes and bathing in the bathroom, if you will.

I wasn't even one foot in the door when I got punched in the face by the most nasty smell ever.

I'm talking dirty diapers, and public restrooms, and old food, and dumpsters times ten.

I couldn't figure out where the Hell it was coming from, until I looked in the tub.

And saw all of the food from our garbage disposal... sitting in the bottom of the tub... covering the kid's bath toys.

Holding my nose, I peaked into the shower stall next to the tub and low and behold... there was more garbage disposal puke in there too.


I started gagging.

The smell was unbearable for my weak pregnant belly.

It turns out that every time Husband ran the garbage disposal in the kitchen... it was going up and barfing into our bathroom drains.

The first thing I did was grab a garbage bag and throw out all of the bath toys.

Then I took a picture and sent it to Husband, who immediately started diagnosing the problem with his friends while they drank beer and watched football.

Spoiler alert... no one was able to guess the real problem.

I called the Plumber back, in tears (again).

He was in utter disbelief that the food and water was not only going down, but that it was also going up in our house.

This was not looking good for us money wise... I knew that.... but I also knew enough not ask him to come out that day.

Sunday work for plumbers equals like $700 an hour.

I decided to just bleach the whole damn bathroom, do the damn dishes, and wait it out until Monday.

By the time Husband came home I had read every plumbing website on the world wide web and was pouring boiling hot water filled with Dawn down our kitchen drain with a vengeance.... (side note: This DID help, a very little bit)... but the clog stayed clogged.

Monday afternoon came and with it, more back up of our garbage disposal.

We had tried Draino, and looking into the main line, and the shop vac, and boiling Dawn water...but we eventually decided that it was time to throw in the towel and call the Plumber back.

Good thing we did, because we had absolutely no idea what we were really up against with this clog.

After an hour of trying to snake our pipes the Plumber found a huge blockage.... Of food.

I'm talking twenty five feet of food.

Backed all the way from our Main Line to our Kitchen sink.

I guess in most houses, the kitchen sink isn't so far from the main line, but in ours it is... so if we weren't running the water long enough to get the food allllll the wayyyyy out the main line... then the food essentially just sat still in the pipes.

Welpppppp... we never did that. Ever... so the food did just that, piled up and sat rotting in our pipes.

We would always just run the water long enough to not burn out the disposal, but never so long that the food would travel twenty five damn feet.

Thank God the Plumber started walking around touching the pipe in the basement until he found a very heavy spot.... which he cut open, and started pulling out pounds and pounds of old nasty food.

Now it was the Plumber's turn to gag... which he did.

He said it was probably piling up for a year or more.... which means... this could not be all my fault (phew!).

He filled two five gallon buckets of sludge before hitting a corner and not being able to do anymore sludge dumping.

He recommended that we keep using boiling water to move the food down the pipes and not use the disposal at all, for a long, LONG while.

He handed us a hefty bill to the tune of $250+ and left us with a still clogged, but much improved sink situation.

Now, two weeks later, after no disposal use and tons of water running down the drain, we think the clog is almost completely gone.

Being that it's Christmas and we have already spent tons of money on family, and the kids, and the Plumber, and the fridge, and the beds, and the mattress..... we just don't have the money right now to buy a nice new stainless steel dishwasher.

So...for now... I am the dishwasher and let me tell you... I never appreciated that thing enough, ever.

I should have kissed it daily. Why aren't people nicer to their appliances???!?!


Living in our home all day, everyday, (as opposed to some family's that spend most of their time out of the house) means we go through TONS of dishes.

It's been a rough couple weeks for us money wise... but we keep telling ourselves that these things, although expensive, and annoying, and stressful... are totally fixable.

We have our health, happy kids, a beautiful home... each other.

Even after the Mississippi River came pouring into our house on a quiet Sunday morning.... we have each other.

And also???

We have dry hands from doing so many dishes... it's fine.

We are blessed and fortunate in so many other ways, that a leak and a few dead appliances, and a plumber, and a disgusting clog.... really is just small stuff compared to the big stuff, ya know??

Immediately after all of this happened I called my Mom and cried, because that's what pregnant women who worry and have anxiety do... they call their Mom and cry.

And you know what she said? She said sit down and blog this right now.

Because even though I was crying, she could see the funny in this situation.

In the water gushing into our house and out our bath tub and the near puking Plumber...

She was laughing, even as I cried, and she knew that one day this would make me laugh too, because seriously... what the heck else is there to do??

I'll admit that even though it took me two weeks to get it all out... writing it did give me a chuckle... and hopefully it made you laugh too.

Hell... we have all been there when our Husbands are blaming shit on us and food is clogging our pipes and rotten food is shooting up through our ceiling drains... right??

No, just me???

Well then, I hope you laughed at me anyway.


And that... thank the Lord, Buddha, Oprah, the Elf on the Shelf, that Mensch on a Bench guy....  and all the good people in the world.... ends my, "When It Rains, It Pours," series of posts.

Imagine... I lasted through all of this without one single drop of alcohol.

There's gotta be some kind of award I should win for that, right???






12/16/13

When It Rains, It Pours ... Part 3

When we last left off, our fridge had died, and we had run into tons of trouble getting our twin bed situation, well, situated.

However, all that was literally nothing compared to what happened next.

My parents and sister came over on a Saturday night to help decorate our Christmas tree... we ate like savage beasts and filled our sink high with dishes.

I let the dishes sit over night because the garbage disposal had been acting up, making the dishwasher act up... I figured it was something I could just take care of in the morning.

So Sunday morning comes along, and I attempt to attack the piles of dishes by hand.

I am running the water, and washing, and scrubbing, and running the water.

Every so often Husband would come in and run the garbage disposal and the water would go down, and then spit back out in my face.

We knew this was a problem but were like, eh... we can fix it after we have an empty sink.

Except we never got that far because just as Husband was walking out the door to get a coffee (his new vice since quitting the Monsters) I heard water running.

No, not running... rushing, whooshing, POURING underneath our dishwasher.

I'm all... "Uh... do you hear that?"

And he's all... "I don't give a shit I am going to get my coffee."

Ahhh my Husband, the caffeine addict.

Lucky for me, and him, and everyone... I am a persistent little beagle when I want to be, and I hounded him until he decided that getting me to shut the fuck up was much more important than his coffee.

I'm all: "You can't leave! The house will flood! We will lose all our appliances!"

Spoiler alert... turns out I should have been a plumber cause I knew exactly what the frig I was talking about.

Husband began by running the garbage disposal again.

Here's a hint... don't do that.

I am all...

"Let's try plunging the disposal, and then let's take the elbow corner thing off where the pipes meet under the sink... maybe whatever is stuck will come out."

And Husband... bless his heart... he is now in dire need of caffeine is just not really being a nice person at all anymore.

He begins by telling me I am disgusting for wanting him to plunge the sink with a plunger (even though the plumber later said that I was practically a plumbing genius for suggesting it, see, shoulda been a plumber).

Try as we might though, the plunging didn't get us very far.

I kept yipping about taking the elbow off under the sink.

I got busy getting out six large Tupperware bowls and kept hounding him... "Take the elbow off! Get the water out! I would rather the water in a bucket than under our appliances!"

Mind you... the whooshing water is still whooshing... so this was a high stress, panic situation.

Husband though, he did nothing but ignore me. He is a man so he is really good at that.

He was going about his business not taking the elbow off and I was running around like a maniac (I blame the pregnancy hormones).

I decide that I am going to get the shop vac and suck the water out of the sink because remember, our sink is full of water, and it is pouring out somewhere under our dishwasher.

I bring the shop vac into the kitchen and Husband gives me a sigh and a side glance like, 'Why are you trying to be a plumber right now!?' before saying: "You have to take the filter out before you use it."

Now I have no fucking idea what the fuck this guy is talking about but I am not about to ask him questions right now because the dude is NOT HAPPY.

Remember, we had just bought a new fridge, and new beds, and a new mattress... ohandplusalso... he was automatically blaming the garbage disposal clog on me.

Something about how I would put a small animal down there if I could.

Anyway, back to me and the shop vac.

I am trying with all my might to figure out what the Heck a filter is, and Husband decides that that would be the perfect moment to finally listen to me, and take the elbow off the pipe.

WITHOUT WARNING ME!!

OR SETTING UP ANY OF THE BOWLS I HAD PULLED OUT!

Okay... so... Husband pulls the elbow off the pipe and it was pretty much Niagara Falls in our kitchen.

I'm screaming (oh yeh, I also have no voice this particular day, so I sound like a dying cat as I'm screaming) and grabbing bowls and Husband is mother effing things up and down, and the bowls are filling up so fast and I'm all : "Go dump it on the deck!"

And I am filling the bowls and before I know it all 6 bowls are filled and the water just freaking keeps coming.

I grabbed a billion dishtowels and cereal bowls and kept screaming / screeching until Husband finally came back with another empty bowl.

And then the water stopped pouring out.

All that was left of the insane panic attack moment... was sopping wet towels, and a slow drip drip drip underneath the dishwasher.

Husband and I just looked at each other, and that is when I knew that if he could have blamed every last bit of what was going wrong on me, he would have.

Instead... he started trying to pull the dishwasher out... because we knew that there was a ton of water under there.

Well... the dishwasher, that thing didn't want to come out.

I went to check on the kids, who were in the TV room with my sister, and came back to find Husband kicking the dishwasher.

So it was going well.

Husband decided it was time to go turn off all the power to the dishwasher... which should have been a two minute process... except, it wasn't.

I went and sat next to my sister after he had been gone 10 minutes... I couldn't hold it in anymore, I started to cry.

I knew that if it was taking this long for him to flip a switch, that the leak must have gotten into the basement.

And it had.

Water had poured down the walls... just missing Husband's work desk that I had just begged him to put down there.

I found Husband sitting with his head in his hands like a broken man.

I knew then that it didn't matter whose fault it was at that point... what mattered was that it was Christmas, and I was very pregnant, and we already had a billion expenses... and now we needed to add dishwasher, plumber, and carpenter to the list.

Neither one of us knew what to say, so we just sat, side by side, listening to the drip, drip, drip of water coming down the walls in the basement.

So much for a relaxing Sunday morning.



To be continued.....

12/13/13

She Said...

Today, like everyday, Girlfriend woke up and was instantly mad that I wasn't right there by her side, waiting for her to open her eyes.

She begins every morning like this:

"Get me out Mom... get me out Mom... I yike to come out... I yike some snuggles..."

 Also?? She doesn't really breathe in between all of this, it's like one long breath of pissed offness.

And then when she has exhausted all of her sentence fragments in a semi-calm voice, she begins to scream shriek.

"GET ME OUT MOM, GET ME OUT! MOM! MOM! GET ME OUT!"

She has no patience.

So anyway, today... she wakes up, she yells at me from her room, Husband goes to get her, and brings her into our bed for snuggles.... just like we do everyday.

She climbs up onto my side of the bed (why do children NEVER go to Dad's side??)... and throws herself down next to me.

She sighs, and then rolls over like her body weighs hundreds of pounds, and not just thirty two.

She grunts, and groans.

She sighs, sits up, throws her arms over her head.

She stretches, she grunts again.

She huffs one last time before throwing herself back onto the pillow and proclaiming,

"Oh my Gosh... I need a fucking break!"

And that, is what you call the mouth and body language of a 30 year old woman pregnant with her third child.... in the body of a two year old.

I can't even blame anyone else this time!


12/12/13

Wordless Wednesday



Less than 6 weeks to go until Baby #3!

12/10/13

The First Snow of 2013

So, we still haven't bought a new car... which means a few things.

Number 1: If the baby comes early, we are going NOWHERE as a family... because the sporty sedan I've been driving since July won't fit all the car seats.

Number 2: When it's snowy or slick out, I. Go. Nowhere.

I am too pregnant to be praying that I can safely maneuver ice and snow in bad weather... ya know??

So Boyfriend got to miss school on Monday because our driveway was a sheet of ice... and even though it wasn't canceled, I couldn't safely get him there.


I actually watched the UPS man bust his ass HARD coming up our front steps... like feet up in front of his face hard.... it was freaking icy out there!!!

Following Monday's no school was Tuesday's teeny tiny snow fall... about four inches or so.

Let's be serious.... a single flake and my kids are out the door and ready for sledding, so four inches or ten, they love it all the same.



Unfortunately, my Boyfriend absolutely freaking hates getting his picture taken right now.

Unless someone in the room is farting or I say, "butt crack,".... there's no way I'm getting this kid to smile... even in the snow.

You know I said, "Butt Crack," here because Boyfriend is laughing and Girlfriend is pointing at me like, "(Deep Breath) Oh My God Mom! You said Butt Crack!!!"



It was kind of hard for me to do much with them being that I am 33 weeks pregnant and it's not exactly safe for me to be running around up and down our very, very hilly backyard.


But, for as pregnant as I am... I know that I am only going to get more pregnant and less able to be outside with them... so for today, with not too much snow or ice, I went for it.

And I'm so glad I did, because every single day I look at these kids and think what is happening while you sleep??



Why are you growing so fast??

Before I know it, they'll be sledding with their friends, instead of with me.

So for now, I'll take all the teeny tiny snow falls that I can get... and in the meantime, I'll be looking for a larger coat to fit over my massive baby belly.



12/9/13

When It Rains It Pours, Part 2

As I mentioned last week, we have been running into a lot of bad luck lately.

First I killed our fridge by wishing for a prettier one...

And then, we started the kid's bedroom projects.

Long story short.... we sold Boyfriend's first big boy bed (hold on while I sob into my keyboard... seriously, I was a freaking wreck over this)... in order to buy two twin beds for his room.


We needed two beds for his room in case we ever have guests, so Girlfriend can bunk in with Boyfriend.

Make sense so far??

Girlfriend is moving from the nursery (again, hold me... seriously, the amount of changes is killing my heart) into the massive guest room, because really, there is nowhere else to put her.

Girlfriend will get a Queen bed, not because she is a Queen, although she thinks she is... but because we need the bed to sleep two in case we have guests...

Understand??

Okay, moving on.

I find two twin beds on Craigslist (of course) that can be bunked, or side by side.

We decide they will be perfect for Boyfriend's room.

I email the lady, make the deal, and set it up for Husband to pick them up on Saturday.

Mind you, I am no stranger to Craigslist and although I am always happy to get a good deal, I was slightly suspicious by how quickly the woman agreed to take $150 off her asking price.

*They had been listed for a month, she wanted $300, I offered $150 and she instantly said yes... hmmm.

Since we would be using my Dad's truck to pick up the beds, I decided to call my Mom's good friend who had offered us a mint condition twin mattress and box spring.

For one reason or another she bought it, and no one ever used it... and it was ours for free if we wanted it.


Anyway... we drive the hour to my parent's house, Husband gets my Dad's truck, picks up the new-to-us mattress, and then picks up the twin beds before making the trip home.

He mentions that the woman who sold him the beds was kiiiinda trashy... and that he couldn't see the beds well because, "it was dark."

Men. Seriously. Men.

This is where I should say two things: If you want something done right, you should probably do it yourself AND... if we had more money, none of this would have happened.

Sometimes it does not pay to save a buck.

We get the beds home and Husband starts to put them together.

And realizes that the "kiiinnnnda trashy," woman was actually super duper trashy and did not even give us all of the hardware to make the beds... beds.

So now we have basically $150 worth of fire wood that we can do nothing with, unless we want to go to Home Depot and ghetto rig the damn beds together.

Parents of the Year, right here.... ghetto rigging beds for their four year old... right??

So.... Husband calls the woman and she says she will look for the stuff.

Mind you, at this point we have realized that the beds are slightly broken in one part and Husband over paid by about $50.

He is trying to rationalize that it was dark as Hell and I am trying not to strangle him.

Twenty or so minutes go by and Husband says I should call the lady.

I basically tried to kill her with kindness while making her feel like complete shit.

It went like this: "Well... we have two little kids, with another on the way, and it's Christmas... we can't afford to pay $150 for something that doesn't work. And if we guess at what kind of hardware we need, we are putting our child at risk, because the bed could just fall apart ya know?? So, if you can't find the parts, we will be returning the beds to you, and expect our money back."

And she responded by calling me a whole bunch OF very un-Christmas-y names and hanging up on me.

So....It went well.

About 10 minutes later she texted me all, "Hey Hun!! Caught me at a bad time! Found the parts! Come get them!"

So back we go, 45 minutes, to get the parts for the damn beds.

Two hours later Husband has the beds built and functioning and everything is right in the world.

Until we go to put our brand new to us mattress into the bed.

Oh... you thought something would go smoothly??

Not a chance.

The twin mattress, was actually an EXTRA LONG twin mattress.

Which means it didn't fit the new beds for beans... in fact, it was six inches too freaking long for our new to us wooden beds.

And this is where I told Husband that I wanted to change our last name.

Because I'll be damned if this one isn't helping us out much or cutting us any breaks.

He wasn't too keen on the idea, and I dropped the subject because I was like eh.... it's not that big a deal right?? We'll figure it out, right?

And we did.

We bought a different mattress, and Boyfriend already had two bedding sets (which don't match but whatareyougonnado) ... so we set up a sleep over for him and his Godmother and he was happy as a clam about the new bed situation.



 Eventually we will get him matching comforters, but for now the kid doesn't care and the beds are working out pretty damn amazing.

Which is good, because the rest of the house.... decided to pretty much explode all over itself the following weekend.

Not really, but kinda.

More bad luck to come, yay!






12/5/13

First Christmas Fail of The Season

If you've been reading awhile... you know that I am not shy about admitting when I fail... it's part of life!

I don't try to be something I'm not, but I do what I can, ya know??

So right now, unless you live in a hole, you have probably seen some of these insane Elf on the Shelf things... and all the crap that women with a whole lot of motivation (no offense) make them do.

Listen... I'm not judging, to each their own.

But me??

I'm not about to make a mess, that I will end up cleaning up anyway, even though "the elf did it".

Ohandplusalso... if I dye my milk green won't it A) taste disgusting and B) give my children free reign to do it themselves???

Truth is, I'm not like super duper motivated to teach my kids how to be big pains in the ass right now.

BUT... I am totally on board for simple things that don't take much time and don't teach my kids that mischief equals good times had by all... cause no.

Anyway, I decided that our Elf, "Wonky Wonk," would set up a project for the kids... cause they love a good project.

Wonky Wonk brought both kids some magic beans (Whoppers), that they would "plant," in a glass jar, and cover with sugar...and after a little while, something special would grow.

Seems simple enough right???

The whole thing took me less than 5 minutes to set up.


So morning comes, and Boyfriend is all, "Can we go find Wonky Wonk?"

And I'm all... "No, please, don't... don't leave me laying in bed all by myself... oh okay alright."

So off they go to find the Elf, and off I go to close my eyes and pray that they get lost on the way to the kitchen table... giving me five more minutes of sleep.

Now I'm not sure WHY I thought that they would wait for me before touching the whole project set up... but I did.

Boyfriend comes back upstairs, mouth full, and is all, "Wonky Wonk yeft us candy!!"

Okay... awesome...the kids ate the beans (Whoppers)... now what the fuck was I supposed to do with the whole project and note and sugar??

By the time I got downstairs to the kitchen table, Boyfriend was BEGGING me to read Wonky Wonk's note and Girlfriend was eating sugar by the handfuls.

I toyed around with the idea of making up some BS about what the note said, but then how the Hell would I explain the bowls of sugar??

In the end, I decided that honesty was the best policy, and just read the note.

I did NOT expect them to start panicking and running around the house and screaming, "WE ATE THE BEANS! WE ATE THE BEANS!"

They were seriously stressed about the beans.

Boyfriend started punching himself in the stomach and was almost in tears screeching, "AM I GOING TO GROW A BEANSTALK??? AM I GOING TO TURN INTO A REINDEER?? AM I AN ELF??"

And Girlfriend, bless her heart, she does whatever her brother does...

So she started running around and panicking too... and it was only when Boyfriend noticed Girlfriend being a complete lunatic that he he started screaming, "MOM! IS SHE SHRINKING!? MOM... IS SHE GETTING SMALLER??"

And so the two of them decide that they are shrinking and Boyfriend decides his ears are growing pointy and they must call Hunny and tell her that they are now Elves and not kids.


It was just too much... they were absolutely killing me... they called my mom and they were all, "WE ATE THE BEANS, WE ATE THE BEANS!"

I mean... I guess this was a Christmas fail... but... it was also hysterical and something that I will never, ever, ever forget for the rest of my life.

Don't worry... the kids decided to write Santa a letter and apologize for eating the magic beans...



And Wonky Wonk headed back to the North Pole at nap time and brought back new beans.

This time the beans were actually quinoa, so the temptation to eat them was no longer there.


When they woke up from their naps the kids died with excitement over the quinoa magic beans... which they promptly dumped into the glass jar, before adding in sugar, and then.... waiting...


And waiting...

And asking me nine thousand times if something was going to grow soon... when? when? WHEEEENNNNNN!

So when Husband got off work, while the kids were snuggling with their dad and watching youtube videos... I popped some candy canes into the jar, and waited for the kids minds to be blown.


 And they were.




I have to be honest, this year is the first that Elf on the Shelf is actually super duper exciting and fun... because Boyfriend is 100% into it.

Hell he even ate magic beans and now thinks he will be an Elf until Christmas Day.... having a kid that believes is the freaking best.





12/2/13

When It Rains, It Pours... Part 1

We have been having some pretty bad luck lately.

It all started when I found a stainless steel fridge that we did not need on Craigslist.

It was only $400, and we rationalized that we would be able to sell our current white one for about $150-$200, making the new one totally affordable and a great deal.

So then we pulled out our fridge to measure it and found out that the new-to-us Craigslist fridge would be too big.

So we pushed our white boy fridge back into place and forgot the whole new fridge idea.


Until it died... the next day.

WHAT ARE THE FRICKIN' CHANCES?!?!?

I swear that fridge heard me talking about getting rid of it and just decided that she had had enough and decided to commit suicide... cause she was dead within 24 hours of us measuring her.

So now we couldn't buy the too big new-to-us fridge and we couldn't sell our broken white boy fridge... so we ended up spending $800 plus on a beautiful stainless steel fridge that was half off because it had a teeny tiny knick on the handle (I can't see it unless I'm all up on it..score.).

So Husband goes to buy this new fridge and decides that even though our space is 67 1/2 inches tall, he will buy a 68 inch fridge and take the wheels off, and all would be right in our fridge-less world.

Not so in fact, just... not... so.

Thank God for our friends Matt and Erin... and my dad, who helped Husband get the fridge in his truck and drag it home.

The fridge was in our house thirty second when we found out that taking the wheels off would not do shit.

Matt and Husband were like a regular reality show trying to cram that fridge into it's spot... Husband was pissed and cranky and trying to crow bar shit, and Matt was laughing cause it wasn't his freaking house so it was funny to him.

And Erin, (who is pregnant and due 6 weeks before me)... and myself couldn't even freaking walk in the kitchen because there were two freaking fridges (the dead one and the new one), two men, two kids... and no room for two giant baby bellies.


Oh yeh... And there were power tools.

Of course. Fucking Men don't think anything through.... just... "Oh it doesn't fit, let's cut shit up."

Husband decided that he should cut the cabinet, and notched out these fancy (not) slices in it, in order to eventually just pop off a long piece.



But then I came in and was all... "Why don't you just unscrew it, flip that shit over, and push it up a little bit higher??"


And Husband stared at me for a second with his mouth open before saying : "I think that might be the smartest thing that you've said in your entire life."

Um, thanks??

So in the end, to make the fridge fit... we had to not only take off the wheels, and waste time cutting a cabinet for no reason, but also flip and raise said cabinet up an inch or so.

BUT... it was all worth it. 

We are THRILLLLLLED with our new fridge, which obviously has a ton more space since it is ginormous.

And, although Girlfriend does go into the freezer, every single day, it's not nearly as bad as I expected... I mean, she hasn't tried to eat anything frozen yet so... that's good.

Someone please come paint our cabinets white. For free. Please. Also? Don't tell my Husband I asked you to do it.

You might be thinking that although this fridge saga this seems annoying, it's not actually all the bad...

Just wait... these, "When It Rains It Pours," posts... won't stop anytime soon... there's been a lot going on around here.... and dare I say, more ridiculous than ever.

Stay tuned.


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