10/2/13

He Said...

I think if I get Amnesia and I don't know my name, or my home state, or my birthday... I will still remember this story.

It is going to be one of my favorites for the rest of my life, no matter what other crazy shit comes our way... this. is. it.

The winner of my life's favorite story award goes to the day I took my Dolls to a Superhero themed birthday party.




First of all... yes.

My daughter is wearing a Captain America life jacket and my son is wearing Batman slippers.

To a Birthday Party.

It's fine.

Okay, here we go.

Boyfriend and Girlfriend are invited to a Superhero birthday party and are encouraged to wear Superhero costumes.

Boyfriend, who is very "themey," wakes up from his nap and is fully prepared to Batman-it-up.

He is flaily, and freaking out, and clapping, and excited to wear a Batman shirt, under his Batman costume, with Batman underwear....

When I swoop in and fuck up his whole life by suggesting that maybe he wear a nice pair of khaki shorts with his Batman get up.... cause why not?

And he's all:

"MOM! BATMAN DOESN'T WEAR..... THOOOSE!!"

He is near tears now and pointing with disgust at a perfectly adorable pair of Gap flat front khaki shorts that are NICE AS HELL... and would make him at least look like he comes from a respectable home.

I am forced to allow him to wear black mesh basketball shorts that are too big for him but... they are black and will suffice as Batman pants.

He is calm, and breathing in and out like a normal human being for all of five seconds when we realize..... we have to find something to put on his feet.

For fuck's sake. Why didn't I buy my kid a pair of Batman shoes?

WHHHHYYYY don't we own any black shoes? Why?

When Boyfriend looked at me with those sad blue eyes and said, "You didn't buy me Batman shoes?" like I forgot the kid's birthday.....

I decided to pick my battles and let him wear slippers. To a birthday party.

Because really? Who gives a shit what the kid wears on his feet.

You probably guessed that Boyfriend was also responsible for Girlfriend wearing a life jacket, and shoes that were two sizes too small (but blue, so apparently okay)...

At this point I am guessing that they are thinking something along the lines of this...


With everyone semi-calm, and semi-happy with their ensembles, we are ready to go.

Girlfriend doesn't really care one way or another about what she wears to the party...

I mean, nothing says comfort like miniature shoes and a pullover life jacket, right??

The truth is she is used to Boyfriend's shenanigans, so she was one foot out the door with her shield, mask, life jacket and gimpy Chinese bondage feet.... when Boyfriend noticed me.... and put a halt to everything once again.

I had been told that I was to wear the Thor mask because I have Thor hair.

I know. We're practically twins.

So I put on my Thor mask and headed for the door... wearing a black tube dress, and a belt above my robust baby house.

Boyfriend was a few steps ahead of me when he happened to glance back in my direction... and that is when all Hell broke lose. For real.

He did not hestitate.

"OHHHHHH NO. YOU CAN NOT WEAR THAT! THOR DOESN'T WEAR DRESSES!"

He spit the word "DRESSES," at me with disgust... like I must be some kind of moron to think that someone as amazing as Thor would wear a freaking DRESS.

God Mom.

He was looking me up and down like I had sooommmme nerve.

I tried.. I did... I tried to get a word in... but the little nutcase just kept going.

"THOR WEARS BOOTS! AND UNDERWEAR! GO CHANGE!!!!"

Um. No.

I am not in College and this is not Halloween... sooo I'm gonna go ahead and keep my clothes on this time.

I began: "I can't wear just underwear and boots to a party..."

He was all: "YES YOU CAN! JUST TAKE YOUR DRESS OFF AND GET IN THE CAR!"

Oh sure, just take my dress off and show the world my pale pregnant everything with a pair of underwear and boots.

No big dee right?

I'm trying my hardest to form a sentence (any sentence!) when Boyfriend stomps to the closet, pulls out my high boots, and slams them on the ground in front of me:

"Mom. Just put these on. Take off your dress. And then we can yeave."

Ohhhh.... so  all I have to do is strip and then we can yeave? Well why didn't you just say so!!!??

I can tell he is trying to stay calm and reason with me... like somehow this is going to make me realize that going to a party with no clothes on is an excellent idea.

I am trying not to pee in my pants and this kid is legit dead serious about me putting on a pair of boots to be Thor and then... he just can't take it any more:

"TAKE YOUR DRESS OFF! JUST TAKE IT OFF AND YEAVE YOUR UNDERWEAR ON! NO DRESS! THOR WEARS BOOTS. AND UNDERWEAR. THAT'S IT!"

Alright now enough is enough at this point...cause... I just can't even right now.

One kid is in slippers.. another is in a life jacket... crying... telling me to take my clothes off... wtf is even happening.

"Listen Doll.. I'm sorry... but Mommy can't wear boots and underwear to a party... it's just not gonna happen."

And he was all:

"MOM. YOU ARE RUINING MY YIFE! YOU ARE RUINING MY YIIIIFEEE!"

Alright so he's shaking now and this is clearly a situation.

We sit down together, and I promise not to ruin his yife anymore.

Boyfriend accepts my apology and decides that if I absolutely INSIST on wearing clothes, then I can just be Bat Girl.

He quickly dressed me appropriately according to Superhero code and we were on our way.

I laughed the whole way to the party.

Seeing Boyfriend flail around and cry and huff and puff and demand that I wear boots and underwear... is burned into my brain for the rest of my life.

And you can bet your ass that when he gets to High School and tells me that I have to walk two steps behind him because he is too embarrassed to be seen with me....

That there will actually be a REASON that he is so embarrassed.

Because by then I will have been parenting for 16 or so years, which means I will have lost ALL of my dignity... and will have no problem wearing just boots and underwear in public.

Then I'll show him what it really means to have his yife ruined.





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4 comments :

  1. I've never commented on a blog before (I know everyone always says that but I swear on my hair it's true!) I felt I had to tell you how glad I am to have stumbled across your wee corner of the internet because you really are a super-mom. Your tales about your crazy, adorable kids regularly have me giggling like a stoned hyena (attractive, I know...) I wanted to say: keep doing what you're doing, and thank you for taking the time to make this blog as without it? I feel the world would be a much duller place. Good job, Mama :)

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    1. I don't know who you are Anonymous... but I love you and you made my day / week / month... you made my blog life. I work really hard on my blog and I often wonder if there is anyone out there reading besides those that feel obligated to (hi Mom).... thank you, thank you, thank you.... I appreciate it more than you know.

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  2. I'm kind of like Anonymous above ^^. I just got caught up on your most recent posts and lazy me didn't really comment on any of them but I can't let this one pass me buy. I'm in my office at work trying so hard not to laugh but failing. I hope you never stop blogging!

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  3. This made me laugh so hard I had to read it tthree times because I was crying...so very funny from a new mom with another blue eyed little boy

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