We are having toilet issues.
Our children are suddenly obsessed with shoving shit (not literally) down them.
Two weeks ago Boyfriend pushed two entire rolls of toilet paper all the way into the toilet.
This week, my Girlfriend... that sassy little thing....
She said, "I have to pee,"
So, I took her to the bathroom, where she promptly pushed me out the door, said, "Leave me alone, I do it myself..."
She shut the door (on my freaking foot) and locked it.
Did I mention she is NOT EVEN TWO?!
In a panic, I ran into the garage and rummaged through EVERY KIND OF NAIL AND SCREW ON EARTH... until I found one that I thought might pop the lock.
By the time I got back to the bathroom I heard water swishing.
I pretty much threw myself at the door and shoved that nail into the lock which Thank God popped just in time for me to see Girlfriend stirring the toilet like a cauldron... with the toilet brush in her hand.
Before I could reach her she saw me, panicked, flailed her arms and screamed, "No, I do it!"
No sooner were the words out of her mouth when she flung the toilet brush from inside the toilet and aimed it up onto the ceiling...
I heard a splat.
And looked up to see soaking wet toilet paper stuck to my ceiling and dripping disgusting toilet water onto my Girlfriend's face.
She was still holding the toilet brush and blinking at me as the water drip, drip, dripped onto her.
At this point I kinda weighed my options as to how I could handle the situation...
And I pretty much decided that because Girlfriend was armed with a disgusting weapon (the toilet brush) and I had nothing to defend myself against her inevitably flinging it in my face....
It would just be best to pick my battles, and this wouldn't be one of them.
So, I picked up my adorable, drippy, dirty daughter... and carried her to the shower.
Along the way I grabbed my adorable, not disgusting son, and put him in there too.
I threw myself in for good measure because Lord knows what kinda germs were dripping off Girlfriend's head.
I eventually went back to the bathroom and scrubbed it down, and plucked sopping wet toilet paper off the ceiling.
One full hour and half a bottle of bleach later... the bathroom is now a toilet brush and toilet paper free zone... so if you come visit, make sure you ask for some before you head in to do your thing.