7/8/13

Fear.

Fear is a crazy kind of animal.

Especially, I think, for Mothers.

Who, at least in my case, start viewing the world differently pretty much the second the pee stick shows two pink lines.

Before I had kids, I just lived like a normal human being, who rarely considered how precious life really is.

I mean, I wasn't like shooting heroin and dodging bullets or anything, but I just didn't think much about this crazy world we live in, and how dangerous or not dangerous the things I was doing really were.

And then I became a Mother.

And now I stay up late reading the News like someone punched me in the gut...

Like, this could be me, my kid, my husband, my mom, my cat, my...... you get the idea.

My Mother in Law says that this is normal Mom behavior, and that I will never stop worrying as long as I live... so, that's kind of comforting in a, "I will be crazy forever," kind of way. 

I pretty much wish my kids lived in a bubble, made of something that smells like babies and is soft like a bear.

Somewhere that only nice, happy, loving, well-intentioned people, who know how to make delicious chocolate chip cookies live.

Na' I mean???

When I think of the things that I have done in my life, that I should have been afraid of, but wasn't... it blows my freaking mind.

Take for example... that time I met a guy off line, or in College when I drank straight vodka out of a water bottle, and wore clothes that were so tiny that I'm not sure if it's even fair to call them clothes.

Or how about all those times that I got into a cab in New York City?!

With a man that had probably only been in America for 53 minutes, that didn't drive anywhere near the speed limit.

Who twerked the car in and out of traffic like he had to be somewhere ten minutes ago... who barely spoke English, and who frankly, didn't give a SHIT that I wasn't wearing my seat belt.

Of course I wasn't wearing my seat belt like LET'S JUST TRUST SOMEONE I'VE NEVER MET IN MY LIFE, THAT IS DRIVING LIKE A MANIAC, IN NEW YORK FUCKING CITY.

You wouldn't catch me in a cab today... no way in Hell.

Not without first wiping that thing down with sanitizing wipes, and asking the driver to pee in a cup... while wearing a bike helmet, elbow pads, and a life jacket... just in case.

I have no idea why I wasn't afraid then, but I am now.

You know what I fear even more than cabs in a crazy city filled with bad drivers???

This child.



This little, itty bitty, doll faced child... who climbs, and jumps and claws her way across the house and gives me a heart attack daily.

This gorgeous little lamb... who last week, was standing next to me on the porch, watching her brother run through the sprinkler in the yard.

When she ever so quietly climbed onto her quad, which was charging on the porch, put her foot on the gas, and drove it straight off the porch...

Flipped it onto herself...

And into a bush.

Naked.

There's no way to say what I felt in that moment, watching my child fly off the porch, except that I was scared shitless... it's funny now, because she's fine, but then... it was horrifying.

Girlfriend was standing no more than ten inches from me when she climbed onto that quad... and as soon as her foot hit the pedal I knew what was about to happen.

But I was one step behind her, and couldn't stop her, or the quad from flying off the porch.

That one step haunts me... but, I am human, and it is impossible to be on top of them every second of the day.

Unless of course you live in a bubble that's soft like a bear and smells babies and dryer sheets.

She was fine, Thank God...

But the could haves, and almosts, and what ifs stayed with me for the rest of the day...

Granted, it's a child's quad... and she landed in a bush... but still... watching your child fly off a porch is not fun.

And so... the thing I fear the most in the world now, as a Mom.... is my crazy children, and all the days that I will be one step behind whatever shenanigans they are bound to get into.

Please tell me I'm not alone....

That you didn't wear your seat belt in a cab too... and that your kids are equally as terrifying...

There's room in my bubble if you'd like to join us... it smells really good, too.






3 comments :

  1. Please save room in that bubble - I feel the same exact way!

    ReplyDelete
  2. My kids aren't that terrifying.. yet. But I know what you mean about the worry - it never ends. And the guilt. I still feel guilty over stuff from months and months ago. Being a mom is so hard on the head.

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