4/30/13

The End of Angry Birds

Remember when I had to kill the Hulk? This is kinda like that.. but different.

Today I decided to put an end to my child's cell phone use.

Somewhere along the line, someone let my three year old play a game on their cell phone... one thing led to another, and now we have an Angry Birds addict on our hands.

Even when I hand him my phone with an educational game set to go, the little sneak knows how to turn off the sound, find Angry Birds, and start playing... all on his own!

I know.

You're thinking, delete the app.

Well, everyone has the app, so if it's not on my phone, it's on someone else's.

Boyfriend was starting to get a little fresh and twitchy when I would take the phone away from him, so I decided that I am going to go with what I firmly believe... three year olds do not need technology... so I cut him off.

No more cell phones, or i-pads... not now, not tomorrow... not gonna happen.

I delivered the news and he pretty much had a heart attack.

It did not go well.

There was screaming, and limb flailing.

A short while later, on the way to drop him at school, this happened:

Him: "Can you please turn down the music, I want to talk to you."

Me: "Okay. What's up Bud?"

Him: "Are you ready to apologize?"

Me: (confused, and trying not to laugh) "Um... what for Bud?"

Him: "For ruining my yife."

Oohhhh... right... that time I ruined my three year old's yife.

Then Boyfriend explained in a very calm and frank voice, that because he could no longer use a cell phone or i-pad, I had ruined his day AND his yife... so I should apologize.

It took everything I had to keep a straight face and not laugh at him, because I could tell that he was honestly dead serious and would not appreciate me down playing the severity of his yife being ruined.

While Lovebug was at school, repairing his yife, I was able to get my giggles out, and come up with a solution that would make everyone happy.

I concocted a new plan, that would allow him computer time on the educational, child friendly website StarFall .... which came highly recommended by his teacher.

His computer time will of course be limited, and supervised; obviously, since he can't read or write, he can't get very far on his own.

I set him up with the computer far away from his pesky sister and told him to do his, "Homework..."

At first he tried to Tough Guy it out... throwing up his little kid gang signs and saying "I DON'T YIKE STAR FALL..."


A few minutes later and Boyfriend was smiling away, happily telling me that he was doing his work and needed to be yeft ayone for some quiet time.


I'm like "Quiet time? You got it dude."

Why yes I did just quote Michelle Tanner.

Kids are just like drunk people... easily distracted, and forgetful...


Which is a good thing, cause I was really worried he'd hold a grudge against me for the whole ruining his yife thing.


 Yooks yike he'll yive after all.

Phew.

Mommy 1, Angry Birds 0

4/29/13

Vaseline Head...

Last week I told you about how my Girlfriend took two handfuls of Vaseline and slapped it onto her cute little head and mushed it right into her mullet... like.... greasy hair don't care, heeeey.

Long story short, it took four washes to get it all out...

Now let's get to the good part....

The pictures of her crazy ass hair.

Keep in mind that these photos were taken after the first two washes....


Oooff... I KNOW.

Here's the thing about Vaseline hair... you can pretty much make it do whatever you want.

Case in point... this:


I think Girlfriend even surprised herself this time...


Thank Goodness for my Mom's hair dresser of 100 years who suggested Vinegar and Dawn dish soap.


It's a good thing this kid is so cute...
 

Because of course it didn't work right away, but after two Vinegar and Dawn baths.... we had Girlfriend's wispy, fluffy little hair back.... no more grease ball.


Phew.

I've never been so happy to see a mullet in my life.

4/25/13

Some Days I Can't Even Believe This Is My Life...

 And not a reality TV show...

Yesterday was one of those days.

Girlfriend put half a tub of Vaseline on her head, and then for good measure, she smeared it onto the kitchen floor too.

The Vaseline, not her head.

Two baths later and she still had a greasy jerry curl... for real.

I was all out of ideas and putting off giving her yet another bath when we started baking... nothing says, "I'm Procrastinating..." like baking with a toddler.

You know how this story goes... I turn my back for ONE SECOND... and crack, crack, crack.... three eggs on the floor.


Twenty minutes later, because the floor hadn't been through enough with the Vaseline and the hat-trick of egg slamming... I decided to drop half a gallon of milk on it.

The milk didn't just land on the floor... it went all the way up to the ceiling, and down the walls... cause ya know, it's liquid, and it splats.

So I mopped the walls, and then they dried a different color than the rest of the room.

Of course they did.

And the flying milk didn't just land on the walls, it also went all over my greasy Vaseline head child... who just stood there in her brother's rain boots with milk dripping down her forehead like...

Blink. blink. blink...

In case you're wondering... the milk did nothing to help get the oil spill off her hair.

And I just can't... I can't even... How could I get mad at this stuff??...

So I didn't... instead I laughed...

Like laughed my ass off...

And my greasy daughter is standing there covered in milk giving me a blank stare and blinking at me like... "This is not the time to go insane! I am covered in milk! Stop laughing and CLEAN ME UP!"

I'm looking back at her, with tears running down my face because I am laughing so hard that now I'm crying... and I just can't even believe that this shit happens to me in real life.

I spent a few minutes fanning my face and crossing my legs to stop myself from peeing on my feet...

And when I finally pulled myself together, we headed upstairs for bath number 3; which got rid of the milk, but not the Vaseline.

And as far as I was concerned, this was a small victory, because at least I knew for sure that no matter what the rest of the day had in store for us, and our kitchen floor... there was no way in Hell my little grease ball was going to get her head stuck anywhere.

Win.







4/24/13

Turning Thirty...

Gahhh.... last weekend I turned 30.

Insert every four letter word in the book here.

It feels like the playing field is suddenly very level.

Like I'm not younger than anyone... in the WORLD anymore.

I am 30, which is equal to 32, and 37, and 57, and 97...and I swear I saw my Grandmother looking me up and down this weekend like we were going after the same man or something.

Thirty feels like I am officially old and should stick to wool cardigans and loafers with pennies in them.

Thankfully, my amazing sister, Morgan, knew that if I didn't have something to do on my birthday I might just buy a pair of all white New Balances and start mall walking my life away... so she threw Husband and I a Surprise Party!!


What a doll right?

There are no actual pictures of our surprised faces, because we were in the car, starring at 50 other cars in my parent's driveway like...

What?? What!? Did you know about this? Did you know? Did I know? Do you know these cars? Who are these people? Is that Jordan? Is that Jessica? What is HAPPENING!

When Lovebug was like.... DUH! IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY! LET'S GO!

He was over the moon excited about seeing every person he loves in the whole world.

Clearly.


Anyway, Morgan recruited my other siblings, my parents, and one of my best friend's, Jessica, to help her throw Husband and I a Fiesta style surprise party... because Husband's birthday is Cindo de Mayo.


It was so great for us to have all of our oldest friends in one place... plus our parents and siblings too.

If I am going to be completely honest... it was the single best day I have had for MYSELF since becoming a Mom.


It was that good.

I am not just saying that because it was my birthday and I am touched by how many people showed up for us.

It was amazing because our kids had a blast, Husband was entertained, I was entertained, the kids weren't so needy that we couldn't have a good time...


It was perfect.

For my birthday I had asked Husband to let me go shopping and get my hair done... to let me have some time to work on me.

So for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel like a frumpy stay at home Mom... I felt like I looked like a normal person that puts on a bra before noon.

I got to wear new jewelry that the Bugs picked out for me, my hair was done, Girlfriend was my twin... I felt like I had a purpose beyond wiping butts for once.


It felt pretty great, not gonna lie.

My siblings and friends continually stepped in and to make sure the kids were safe, busy, and letting us have our day.


And that's why I loved every minute of our party... I was SO. RELAXED. I had NOTHING to worry about... for one full day, I just got to be myself.

The person. The adult, the granddaughter, the best friend, the wife, the woman.



Not just the Mom.

I LOVE our children, but I was happy to be myself for a few hours.


It felt WONDERFUL.

With all four grandparents plus aunts, uncles, and great grandparents present... we had all the help and support we needed with the kids, which let us enjoy time with friends we never get to see.

I felt zero pressure... I felt only joy and gratitude... I was so so thankful to everyone who went out of their way for us, and who came to celebrate starting a third decade with us.


At the end of the day, I still felt old... and weird about being 30... those loafers were still banging around in the back of my brain...

But my feelings towards this new strange age paled in comparison to how very loved I felt.


We are so thankful, and so blessed.



** I realize that it looks like Husband was hardly at this party... That's just because all of his oldest friends were there too, so we were socializing in opposite directions all day long. And he too, is grateful that everyone came to celebrate and surprise us for our 30th 26th birthdays.

4/23/13

Croup, There It Is.

Girlfriend's got croup.

My poor little peach.

And of course in this house, you don't just get croup and we take care of you and you're fine.

No, we have to make a production out of everything... BECAUSE IT'S MORE FUN LIKE THAT.

We hear Girlfriend wheezing, barking like a seal, and just generally hating life last night at 10 pm.

Poor thing could barely eek out a breathe.

We suspected croup and a google search plus call to a friend who knows it all, confirmed our suspicions.

The first thing we needed to do was get out the cool mist humidifier and get Girlfriend's little airways opened up and breathing better.

Except here's the thing..

Lovebug has been playing with the cap to the cool mist humidifier lately (of course he has).

Ya know.. a humidifier cap looks a lot like a Ninja Turtle weapon thingy, and so... we were missing the cap, that of course, is needed to keep the water in to make the bloody thing work.

So then Husband's like... what about the one that blows hot mist?

And of course since I have been googling for five minutes I am now an expert on all things croup and humidifiers.

Which is why Husband was at Wal-Mart, at 11 pm last night, buying a new cool mist humidifier, one that does not have any parts that could possibly resemble a Ninja Turtle weapon (we hope).

While he was gone I sat in the bathroom with Girlfriend, and let the shower run on hot to steam the room and let her have some (very temporary) relief.

I have to be honest, croup is the scariest of all the kid viruses I have dealt with to date... no one wants to see or hear their babe struggling for air.

From the steamy bathroom we went to the front porch, to try to let some cold fresh air at her little lungs...

She was looking at me like what the fuck are we doing out here it is cold and I am sick.

We got her to sleep by midnight and she was up again at 2, into the steam bathroom we went, at 2:15  just as I was putting her back to bed, Boyfriend woke up crying.

Of course he did.

Girlfriend sees Boyfriend crying and now she is crying too.

Of course she is.

Did I mention Husband had to leave at 6 am for a flight?

Why doesn't croup ever strike on a weekend? Why is it only during the week when Husband is getting ready to make a quick trip for work?

Anyway... Husband and I split up, he takes Boyfriend and passes out in the guest room, while I open the windows wide and pump the humidifier directly into Girlfriend's face in our bedroom.

It took a long, long time to get her to sleep, but the window / humidifier to the face combo did the trick.

By 5 am her breathing was steady, and quiet... just when I finally felt she was well enough for me to close my own eyes...  Husband walked into the room to get ready for the airport.

Which ended up being a waste of time anyway, because he ended up needing to get on a later flight after getting stuck in traffic.... because he overslept... because he was exhausted from the croup fiasco the night before.

That's life... and parenting... and kids... and it could be a helluva lot worse that's for sure.

Twelve hours later and Girlfriend is still under the weather... but we have our bag of tricks up our sleeves, and are confident that tonight will be a better night.



Fingers crossed that no humidifier pieces have randomly become Ninja stars throughout the course of the day.



4/22/13

Really?

Living with a one year old and a three year old means that food on the floor is pretty much a given.

It doesn't matter if I have just mopped the whole damn house, within 30 seconds of being done, there will be food on the floor.

I am totally used to it, and picking it up is just part of my day to day life now...

Except yesterday, when I ran to the Grocery Store by myself and left Husband in charge.

I got home, headed for the front door, and there was an entire bag of Goldfish just dumped on the floor.

Like... seven inches into the house, right smack in the middle of the entrance to our home...a whole bag of Goldfish chillin' out like... "Haaaaay. Come on in the water's fine!"

I mean COME ON... This is like freaking comical now, that I honestly can't even step one foot into my house without stepping into a pile of shit fish.



I stop to first, take a picture, and second, laugh, before heading inside with 7 bags of groceries in one trip (cause somewhere out there, there is a grocery carrying competition that I am training for) and I approach Husband, who has clearly lost all control in the 25 minutes that I've been gone.

"Hey, Uh... there's an entire bag of goldfish like... at our front door."

He looked at me, and if looks could kill, well, then that would have been the end of this blog.

"I know..." he says... apparently standing on the edge of an invisible cliff...

"They don't stop moving! Ever."

I can't even look at him because I just want to laugh in his face.

For some reason I find it absolutely hysterical when our kids stress him out.

It is like a mini victory in my brain, like he just handed me a trophy and said...

"I don't know how you do it."

I mean he didn't say it, but when the kids stress him out, it feels like he did.

If being a Mother was easy, then... Dads would do it...amIright?!

4/18/13

Yard Update

Last summer we tore out a whole garden of overgrown bushes (haha... overgrown bushes)... and I pretty much left you all hanging as to what we did next.

Remember this?

We were going for the less is more thing, obviously.

Actually... we wanted to started with a clean slate before adding some transplanted bushes, perennials, and a new tree, which we did last summer.

Remember, when we pulled all that shit out??

And everyone cried for the rhododendron bushes that I threw behind our shed??


After living with it a little more nakey for awhile, we decided to extend that far left end even bigger to give it a little more oomph... ain't nobody ever complain about too much oomph... na' I mean?

Being that it's Spring time, nothing is in bloom yet, but I thought for the sake of having a reference, it'd be cool to get a shot of what everything looked like at the beginning of the season in 2013.


Hopefully if I put my little gardeners to work enough over the next few weeks... we will have a beautiful, and colorful spread before August, just in time for Girlfriend's 2nd Birthday Party (accck!).


Fingers crossed that I don't kill it before then with my black thumb.


4/17/13

Kids Today...

People say it all the time, but kids today are different than when I was growing up.

And now that I have said that sentence, I officially feel like I am 100 years old... but it's true.

People often marvel at how well Girlfriend can make her way around an i-Phone... which is shocking because, hello... I don't even have an i-Phone.

Anyway... today this happened.

I gave the kids a snack, turned on the TV, closed the gates behind me, and headed for the bathroom.

If you have no kids, you don't get why this is a treat but if you have children you know that peeing by yourself is a novelty so I was like...

WOOO! I CAN PEE ALOOOONNNNE!

I get into the bathroom, put my cell phone on sink, and close the door.

The very second that I shut the door, my phone rings.

It's Husband.

I think this is kind of weird because he is upstairs working at his desk and I am wondering why he is calling me, instead of just walking downstairs to talk to me, but I answer anyway...

"Hello?" I'm trying not to sound bitchy but for the LOVE OF GOD I can never pee in peace.

And from the other side of the phone... I hear:

"HI MOMMY!"

Now I know that my 20 month old daughter can't read well enough to purposely call me on the phone...

But she did... she pushed the button, she made the call, she waited while it rang, and then when I answered, she knew exactly what to do....

Start bothering me about when I was going to be out of the bathroom.


She couldn't open the gate... so she just called me instead.

Smart cookie.

Ohandplusalso... a trouble maker.

Wordless Wednesday


"Ain't no time for hate."

- The Grateful Dead

4/16/13

May They Preach....


What we teach...

 
And because sometimes, children know better than adults... may we preach what they teach, too.




4/15/13

Boston.



My sister-in-law took this photo as she and my brother headed into the Boston Marathon Monday morning.

As we all know, just hours later, those very same flags were the sight of a horrific and senseless crime against humanity.

We are so thankful, so grateful, so fortunate, and so blessed... that our family was able to run out of the city to safety.

I know that for so many others, life will never be the same.

For Boston... for Sandy Hook... for Aurora... for humanity...

I pray that  good will outweigh bad.

That faith and hope will fill the hearts of those that need it most...

And that love will always win.








4/11/13

Speaking Clearly

My sister in law, Kit, is very observant.

A few months ago she sat quietly, soaking it all in, as she is known to do, as I gave instructions to the kids and the husband.

I'm not sure what exactly I was instructing them to do at the time, but I am a Mother, so it's safe to say that it had to do with taking care OF EVERYTHING.

Anyway, back to Kit, who was still sitting quietly watching it all happen...

She sat watching me try desperately to get someone, ANYONE(!) to pay attention to me as the Husband drank his beer and the kids hung from the rafters.

Just when I thought no one in the world could hear me speaking, Kit laughed and said:

"No one listens to you."

That moment has stuck with me for months, because here was someone who sees me every other month or so... not someone that sees our day to day life.

Someone that is observant, and thought, and educated...

Someone.... who hit the nail on the fucking head.

If you are a Mother, or a wife, or a Girlfriend, or a Boyfriend, or Husband, or Father... chances are, you feel like no one is listening to you sometimes, too.

Our morning today began like this:

Me: Stop feeding the lion yogurt.

Five minutes later...

Me: Stop feeding the lion cantaloupe.

And so it went...

I told my children to stop feeding zoo animals that they aren't even supposed to have at the table... and they continued to ignore me and feed them anyway.

I was thinking about these stupid animals that would inevitably be sticky and gross when my Mother called.

Do you know what she said?

No, really...

Do you know what she said?

Because I wasn't listening.

I mean I was... kind of, while I dressed one kid and pulled another one out of the refrigerator.

After Lovebug was safely at school and I had a moment to think I realized that it is probably never going to end.

I am almost 30 years old, and I still don't listen to my Mother.

Or my Father.

I was mourning the loss of anyone ever listening to me EVER again when I stood at the kitchen sink and started cleaning the breakfast dishes.

I looked down and saw the lion, covered in yogurt and realized something.

Maybe they aren't listening because I am not speaking clearly enough... loud enough... or, dare I say it... correct enough.

I am not too proud to admit when I am wrong... and this time, I was wrong.

It wasn't a lion at all.

It was a tiger.


Suddenly the world made sense again, they weren't not listening, they were listening perfectly!

I just wasn't making any sense!!

How could they stop feeding a lion when they weren't feeding one to begin with!

Right?

This means that my super observant sister in law was actually wrong... people do listen, I just need to work on my delivery!

Which means that maybe I don't have to live a life of being ignored!

I had it all wrong!

I was smiling to myself and soaping up the TIGER'S head when I realized that this still does not explain why I don't listen to my parents.

Can't win 'em all, right?





4/10/13

29 in 29

With less than 2 weeks to go until I turn the big 3-0 (eeeekk!) I have decided to finally admit what I hinted at way back in October...

I have abandoned my 29 in 29 list.

I started to realize that I just didn't care about my list when I was completing things on my list and not even blogging about them.

Then I realized that I just made it because for a little while I felt like I needed to blog more about myself to keep people interested...

But, let's be honest... I am not interesting.

I do not leave my underwear in random places and I do not wipe shit on my face.

Thank God for that right??

Anyway, I've decided that I just don't feel like living my life by a list anymore...

I knocked out the fun ones early on, and the rest didn't get completed because I just don't feel like it.

I am happy for what I've done, and ready to move on from what I haven't... because to be honest...

I'd much rather play with these two...


And take pictures in the kitchen...


And play at the park...


And eat yunch on the deck...


And experiment with blue under cabinet lighting...
 

And watch Girlfriend and her Great Grandfather bond...


And clap for Boyfriend while he learns to steer a bike...


And just be normal and not be like: "Let's do a project! Let's do a project! Let's do a project!"

I am annoying myself even thinking about it.

So... maybe I will blog about the things we have done that were on my list, and maybe I wont.

Sometimes I don't feel like being like: "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! SMILE!"

Ya know?

Maybe I will finish my list one day.

But today... and any of the next 10 days before I enter a new decade... will not be those days.

So... I'm calling it official... my list is done-zo.

Until I turn 30 and decide I need to make a new list, and then we can begin again. Maybe.

Weird Picture Wednesday

This is probably only funny because I am his Mother, and I watched him cram his big brother foot into his little sister's moccasin....

But I love this funny little moment that I caught of Boyfriend looking out the window wearing toddler shoes.


That weird angled shoe actually has a foot in it!

Haha, anyway... this is the kind of picture only a mother, aunt, uncle or grandparent could love so... if you're not one of those to this kid then... this post was probably a let down.

Sorry (it's my blog so I'm actually not really sorry).

4/9/13

Is That A...

This is not a real post.

This is actually just a proclamation... a blog post billboard if you will.

Just gonna go ahead and state a fact, so everyone who walks into our house can stop asking...

"Is That A...."

We decided to add white ceramic vases and bowls, into the kitchen to brighten up our olive-y subway tile.

My mother offered to let me have a piece that she once found at an estate sale.

It used to be a lamp, until someone disassembled it and now it's a vase.

IT'S A VASE.

That's what my billboard says: IT'S A VASE.



Not, a bong.

Thank you to the five people that have asked about MY VASE in the 48 hours that it has lived in our kitchen...

I'm glad that you all think I would keep smoking paraphernalia on my kitchen counters for the world to see.

IT'S A VASE.

The End.
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