8/22/12

Why I Never Let My Children Drink 100% Fruit Juice

If you are a parent, you know where this is going.

If you're not... I'll give you a hint... it's going to shit.

For real... Like this story ends with shit.

Fair warning.

I could not make this crap up if I tried.

My life is like a frickin' reality show.

People would watch, and they would laugh... I just know it.

Okay... here we go.

Husband decides to take the whole family to The Outlet Stores so he can shop for new work shirts (Husband got a new job, woohooooo!!!)

Pretty much the second we got out of the car, Lovebug was acting like a puppy high on espresso.

Like it was the first time he ever saw ANYTHING in his whole life...he was blind, and now he could see kinda thing... the kid was on excitement over load.

Like: Wooo grass! Cars! All the things! I love this place!

How do we calm our children down in America?

We give them snacks of course.

Husband grabs the kids some munchies, and juice boxes... 100% Juice, juice boxes.

In our house, juice is mixed with water because it runs right through our kids... especially Lovebug... and makes them shit their cute freaking brains out.

Husband of course knows this, and bought a water too... but, for whatever reason, we decided if the kids split the juice boxes... it would be just fine and the shit would stay in the little human bodies.

Not so. Just not so at all as it turns out.

We were just about done shopping, but Husband needed to grab one more thing "for just a minute," (you can tell this is his fault already)... so I took the kids over to those small ride on toys that cost a couple quarters to keep them occupied.

Mind you, I had no quarters, so the kids were just turning steering wheels and having a grand old time on non-moving machines.

Lovebug lovin' the non-moving toys.
Which entertained them just fine... for a little while.

But that "just a minute," that Husband was going to be gone for... ended up being about twenty.

And the kids were slowly starting to melt down.

I called Husband and said... "Alright Italian boy, chop, chop."

I hung up the phone just in time to see Lovebug hop out of the Bat Mobile, drop his pants, and speed walk bare assed towards the grass.

He was all: "I'm just gonna poop in the grass."

And just like that... no more than six feet from Calvin Klein's front door, my little man shat his brains out.


I was holding Ladybug in one hand, my phone in the other, and yelling, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! Stop that! No!"

I was pleading, "pull your pants up! pull your pants up!"

And he's all: "No. I'm not done."

And the crowd... oh the crowd of people laughing and pointing (and if I ever find those fuckers they'd better run)... and the shit.. oh it just kept on coming.

Like lots of it.

Not continuously either, nope... he couldn't just shit and be done.

He had to shit... pause... step... shit...pause... step...

A trail of human shit... a long one.

Ladybug is watching, I am begging, "let's go to the bushes! the bushes!", Lovebug is ignoring, people are laughing.

Eventually... after there is not an ounce of food left in his body, Lovebug stops shitting, and pulls his pants up.

He is walking funny, because, hello... I had no free hands to wipe the kid, and he has an ass full of poop and just as the crowd disperses... who moseys on around the corner, whistling away with not a care in the world... but Husband.

Who I am now going to murder.

I have no idea why I am mad at Husband for this, but I am.

That's just what happens sometimes when you can't get mad at the kids, you get mad at your spouse instead.

Once Husband saw the pile of shit, the fuming wife, and the sad kids, he doubled timed it... for lots of reasons, but mainly because he didn't want to have to pick that shit (literally!) up!

We got the Hell out of there as fast as we could because, again... we didn't want to have to pick that shit up.

Within minutes, Lovebug was cleaned up, the kids were buckled in, and we were heading home.

The whole ride Lovebug jabbered his face off in the back seat:

"Mom. Remember that time I pooped in the grass at the store? And the kids were yaffing? Mom. I'm sorry I pooped in the grass. It was an accident."

And you know what?

After I was away from that steaming pile of poop, and Calvin Klein, and the people laughing and pointing... after I took a deep breath... I knew he was right.

It was just an accident... and shit happens (obviously).

And I'm so thankful to my amazing Husband for letting me be mad at him after our first born took an epic dump in broad day light in front of fifteen people at The Outlets...

Because it prevented me from being mad at Lovebug.

And even though it was by far the most embarrassing moment of my life... he didn't feel well, and he did the right thing.

He knew he didn't want to sit in it.

And he probably knew I'd be equally as upset if he pooped in his pants.

So... he did the right thing.

We had a long talk about the importance of telling someone when his belly hurts, and listening carefully to Mommy when she is giving directions as to where to poop!

I think he learned his lesson, because now... instead of apologizing for pooping in the grass, he is all:

"Don't worry Mom... next time I will poop in the bushes. Just for you."

Pre shitting in the grass.






23 comments :

  1. OH MY GOD! I read this with my mouth hanging open, you poor thing. So funny. I vote that you change this post title to "Shit Happens"

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    1. Thank you!! Someone who feels bad for me... the person who had to stand there helpless and watch!! Mortified doesn't begin to describe it!!

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  2. I am so sorry those mean people were laughing. I mean now yes, it's funny, but in real life I would never have had laughed at you!

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    1. Husband and I just re read this post and had a good laugh about it... today ; funny... yesterday? Not so much!

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  3. OMG!!! I would have died! And yes my poor husband would have gotten a lot of *shit* for it to. I'm sorry but I wa laughing at this story though, so please don't hunt me down. I'm sure now that you aren't in the moment you can laugh about it to.

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    1. Haha Husband kept saying ... why is this MY fault? And I'm like... I dont fucking know why it's your fault.. it just is!

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    2. When in doubt blame the hubs ;)

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  4. In this space age of sugar coated mommy blogs, I am so so happy to have found yours!

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  5. Seriously, when are the cameras gonna start running? You have the most hilarious, awesome stories that aren't scripted in the least. You should be more famous than those ridiculous women who call themselves housewife's and don't even take care of their own children.

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  6. This was a really funny story, but you know that you not cleaning up after your kid means that someone else had to, right? And that some other poor kid (or adult) could have accidentally had a "run in" with it? It is gross to clean that up when it's your own kid, much grosser when it is not, and potentially dangerous from a health standpoint. I'm sure you wouldn't laugh if you were waiting outside and your child went to play in the grass, and came back with someone else's waste on them. I completely get that you were embarrassed and stressed, but that part just wasn't funny, fair or responsible.

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    1. After things calmed down, we felt badly about not picking it up, and are hopeful that the rain washed it away later that afternoon. Having a blog opens our parenting habits up for the world to see... unfortunately, we are far from perfect parents or people, and are just doing the best we can. If you are looking to read about parents that are responsible and fair all the time, the Internet is full of Mommy Blogs where the parents do it ALL right... and not just alright, like us. I appreciate your comment, and would love to engage you further, if you would be so kind as to use a name next time. Anonymous just seems so impersonal.

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    2. I thought this story was hysterical and I know mama bug personally and she is a very fair, responsible, and respectful person and the best mom I know. Like the story says, it was an accident, shit happens

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    3. I hope you weren't offended by my comment, and TS, I hope you didn't think I was implying that she isn't a wonderful parent. I do see on your blog that you are much more open about the realities of parenthood, rather than a lot of mama blogs that only share the perfect moments. I know that things happen and especially when you're embarrassed and trying to rangle kids, it's hard to think things all the way through and I totally see how you would be focused on just getting the hell out of there. Unfortunately there are some people out there that don't think back and feel bad about an accident later on, and that's what sparked my first comment.

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  7. I am laughing my ass off ... I can totally picture Lovebug doin' his business on the grass. You tell the best stories ... hands down! I also love how honest you are about how not-perfect you are. In my book that makes you PERFECT!!! Love you!!

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  8. Hahahaha...

    Oh my...shit happens, yup. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go!

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  9. This was fantastic. "puppy high on espresso" is fantastic! We have that puppy sometimes and he's never even had juice! Note to self. No juice. EVER.

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  10. WHERE are the rest of the comments i.e. WHY HAS THIS 'SHIT' (hardy-har) NOT GONE VIRAL??? I'm sharing the hell out of this. Laughing so hard I'm crying.

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  11. Just found your blog and will be following from now on, even though my kids are a bit older now and embarrass me in ways that toddlers haven't yet thought of. This brought back so many funny memories, especially the one where my own lil lovebug shat in the middle of the soft play centre, with all the other kids climbing through it and advertising their smelly keepsakes to their onlooking parents.

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    1. OMG! That might be worse than the Outlets! I love other people's shit stories!

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  12. I'm kind of socially awkward so I would have made this worse by trying to grab something to, erm, catch the shit with or walk next to my child to shield them.

    But you're right. Shit happens. People with kids know and people without kids, well if they ever have them then they will find out.

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  13. Hahahahahah - I just shared this with my husband. This is such a hilariously shitty story.

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