7/27/12

Can You Ever Go Back??

Someone emailed me recently and asked if I still write on my chalkboard...

Why yes... yes I do.


This concept has been on my mind a lot lately.

You know, Husband and I bought this house of ours four years ago... when we were 26, newly married, and newly pregnant.


I pretty much searched realtor.com until I reached the end and then decided on a town exactly 60 miles from where we grew up, because we could get a lot of house, for a little money.

And we did.

Our Tiny Place, is not actually tiny... it's pretty large, and on a pretty decent piece of land....

In a town we know nothing about, at an end of the state we had more or less never been to...

Our family, and everything we grew up around, is 60 minutes South.

None of this mattered to us before, but now... Lovebug is getting ready for school in a few years.

And we don't get to see our family as much as we'd like.

And for the love of God we need a date night... just one.

I know I could care.com-it-up and find a sitter but you know what... I'll just come out with it... I don't trust people..

And no one would want to work for me when I answer the door and say, "Pee in this cup, and give me a lock of hair, your Social Security card and oh yeh... here's a breathalyzer."

Sorry, but my kids are my heart and my soul... call me crazy, but no sitter is good enough. Yet.

One day I will be desperate like my mom and stop teenagers in the grocery store... but I'm not there... yet.

I know some of my readers live 8 or 10 hours away from their free babysitters parents, so don't think I am whining...I promise, I'm not.

Living exactly 60 minutes away from family sometimes just feels like a tease.

It's close enough to do day trips on the weekend, and far enough to ruin our nap schedule... and be annoying with two antsy kids.

I am insanely jealous of people who can just stop by and see their families... or who can call their Mom and say, "Do you care if I drop the kids off for an hour while I run to the store?"

Oh to grocery shop alone... or, to not have to pack twenty seven bags every time we go anywhere.

I feel especially lonesome to have family nearby when Husband travels.

I find myself begging my friends for mid-week dinner nights...

"Please, oh, please, oh please... I'm so lonely... have dinner with us, please, please?"

I'm so annoying when I beg.

I feel like we came to this town, where we knew no one, and made ourselves a sweet little life.

I feel like we were planted... and we bloomed.

We painted, we scrubbed, we labor-of-loved this place upside down... we joined a community, we made our own friends, made friends for our kids... made a life.

We brought two babies home from the Hospital, and have begun to raise them into semi-nutty, super cute tiny humans... in this little spot that we were planted.

Writing this is making me feel guilty, but I swear, I promise, we love this life....

But I have this itch.

This... I-want-to-move-closer-to-what-I-know itch....

Back to where I was raised... to a place where no matter how long I am away, when I go back, it still feels like, "home".

Back to the town where I met my Husband... which just so happens to be... one of the wealthiest counties in the Nation.

It is so close, yet so far... we could never afford that move right now.

But if we could...

Can you ever go back?

To where you were raised?

Does it feel weird?? Does it fill the void??

Would we work so hard to afford to live there, that we didn't actually get to LIVE there?

Will my kids have my friends as teachers??

Will they see my name on the wall in a bathroom stall?? (hopefully they will have painted since then).

Will I immediately regret living too close to our Mothers and beg the new owners to sell us back our house??

Moving is a long way off... but I think of it every day.

Of giving this home and town and life the very best that we've got...

Of blooming the shit out of this garden that we planted...

and then maybe.... a year or two down the line....

ripping out our roots, and growing them somewhere else.





7 comments :

  1. This was so great to read, knowing I am not the only one who feels exactly this way. I think about this at least twice a day....

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    1. I had to re-write it a few times... it was hard to write. I don't want to come across like our current life isn't good, because it is... but don't you just sometimes think life might be easier with family really close by?? With a little help?

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  2. I feel where you're coming from!

    I live in the same city where my husband and I grew up and both our families are really close. His parents literally live two blocks from our house so I constantly walk down there and dump our baby on them. They're about the only people I trust to watch her.

    That sucks that you live so far from everyone but like you said you have a nice home and are providing your kids with a great life. And you can always move back!

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    Replies
    1. I am so jealous!! People always judge us that we don't go out alone often but I honestly don't know anyone I trust... you guys must get a ton of time alone! I am green with envy.

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  3. I'm onlt thirty minutes from my mom and 15 from my hubby's mom. It's so nice having them close. It does make things a little more complicated for family outings (ie we have to wrok around EVERYONE'S schedule) but I'd say it's worth it! Also, I don't blame you on the sitter. I don't trust anyone but my parents and my in-laws. Call me crazy, whatever.

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  4. I feel like this is exactly what we're going through. We don't live close enough to family and trust NO ONE with our daughter! It's hard being a parent & having another life or lives to be responsible for. But it's a beautiful thing and it sounds like you guys are doing pretty darn well ;) Such a beautiful post, hun!

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  5. I feel ya. Well not totally because I will never move all the way back home but I understand where you're coming from. My family has deep roots where I grew up. I went to the same high school my parents went to, my elementary school was the school my Nana graduated from and my Great Grandfather used to be the door to door ice man and his main source of ice was from the same lake that I worked at all through highschool. My husband's family is here in Florida(most of them) but his mom and stepdad still work full time and his brothers aren't exactly the most stable people around so I don't have them babysit. If I lived back home I'd have sooo many more connections. Not just family but people I have known forever. Kids that I used to babysit that are now the teenagers that I would have babysit. It would actually be cheaper for me to move back home and we would have a big house and lots of land in the middle of the mountains instead of a tiny house with no land in the suburbs next to the gulf of Mexico. It's tough and I'm rambling so I will just end it with I understand and sometimes what we think we want doesn't always end up being what we need.

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