Birth Control Advice You Didn't Ask For

If you are a regular reader, you know that I usually only blog about things that I really want to remember down the line... you know, like when my kids are too cool to walk with me in the Mall.

But, every once in awhile, something will happen in my life and I'll think... "My experience may be able to help someone else, so I should write about it."

If what I have to say in this little corner of the Internet helps even one person, then I'm happy.

You know, to this day, people are still googling, "Can I Febereze my vagina?" and ending up on my blog.

Maybe they read what I wrote and laugh.

Or, maybe, just maybe... they take my advice and don't try that shit, everevereverever.

Maybe I helped someone and their vagina, you know?

So with that in mind...  bear with me as I dare to write about something other than my kids being cute, and me being cheap.

I want to talk about birth control.

First off: I'm on it, and I'm not pregnant.

Now that we got that out of the way...

I want to talk about the Implanon, which is a birth control method that is implanted into your arm.

It is about the size of a matchstick.

See specifics here.

My Doctor recommended this particular method to me back in October, and I went for it.

I did some research and didn't find too much leaning one way or another as to why I should or shouldn't get it, so I took the plunge, and had the little matchstick jobby inserted into my arm.

I will spare you the suspense, I had it removed six weeks ago.

Here's why: I was fucking starving. All. The. Time.

Like... I could eat a pizza, and a batch of cookies, and an ice cream sundae and still not be satisfied.

I just couldn't figure out why I wanted to eat my face off, every second, of every day.

Even after giving up Diet Pepsi, and Crystal Light, and eating clean and allowing myself one cheat day... I still craved sugar and salt like a mad woman.

That is not an exaggeration.

Once I locked my Husband out of the house so I could eat cookie dough for breakfast.

True Story:

He left for work and forgot his wallet.

I am elbow deep in butter and sugar when I hear the garage open.

I ran to the door and locked it.

Then ran to the mirror and wiped the chocolate OFF MY EYEBROWS (because my head was in the bowl, obvi).

Then I ignored the knocking on the door.

Then I hid the evidence, only after licking the spoon, and checking the mirror one last time for chocolate to lick off on my face.

Finally I let him in, and he's all..."WTF?"

And I'm all..."Oh, you know...I was just eatin' some blueberries, no big D dude."

See? Told ya I had a problem.

Fast forward to now, after having the Implanon removed, I can tell you, it was all that little fucking matchstick's fault.

That damn Implanon.

I am not starving anymore.

I'm back to being an eat-when-I'm-hungry kinda broad... (and I am still nursing).

My friend who is an OBGYN told me that the main hormone in the Implanon is Progesterone, ie... the PMS hormone.

Which means... if someone has cravings, or gets bitchy, or has any sort of reaction at all to PMS... then they will act like that... ALL. THE. TIME. on the Implanon.

Husband laughed knowingly when I told him that little tidbit... like, "Ahhh.. now I see."

Why the Hell my own Doctor didn't talk to me about this is beyond me.

I'm sure I read it myself during my research, but it meant nothing to me at the time.

If someone had just written: Implanon will make you feel like you are about to get your period every minute of your life... I would have never had it inserted, ever.

Although, I actually never FELT bitchy... but of course I probably was.

But the PMS cravings?

Oh Hell to the Yeah I felt those.

Every minute, of every second, of every day.

Since  having the Implanon removed I feel like a new woman...

Why am I telling all of you this?

My friends are banging like rabbits these days trying to get knocked up.

They are popping out their first, or second babies, and reproducing faster than I can keep track of.

Everyday someone new is pregnant.

And lots of you pregnant or not-pregnant-anymore chickies are reading this blog.

Maybe one of my friends who is exploring her birth control options will stumble across this post...

Or someone who googled, "Implanon is making me eat like a Triceratops,"...

Or maybe it's those pesky vagina Febrezers again...

However you got here... if you happen to be exploring birth control options, I hope my story has helped to possibly eliminate one of the billions of options out there.

I hope that you are thinking to yourself, "Self... the last thing you need is to brush your teeth with butter and rinse with salt."

Or... maybe sweets are your thing and you're like... "HELL YEH BITCHES! Bring on the matchstick!"

My point is probably lost on you if that is the case.. so instead of thinking of yourself...

For the love of God woman... think of your husband.... or wife!

Tell your Doctor you are not interested in the Implanon... and tell your spouse I said, "You're Welcome."

(I can hear them thanking me from here.)

OhandPS... Don't worry about my Husband. He's a tough cookie.


  1. You have me ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING RIGHT NOW! Jesus woman you are hilarious! Thanks for sharing your experience with us... in the most hilarious of ways... and I promise you, I will NEVER febreze my vagina!

    (I hope Febreze takes you on as their spokesperson or something too by the way. You should probably email them ;))

  2. hahaha! You are hilarious! & thanks for sharing this amazing "review." I had a friend in college who got this a while back, and I always thought it sounded a little crazy having a constant hormone like that in your system. And now my suspicions are confirmed!

  3. Haha toooo funny.
    I hate all forms of hormonal birth control. Because every single one has either made me bitchy, hungry, or given me debilitating migraines. Implanon isn't available here in Canada but I remember wishing it was, back when BC was an issue for me. My husband is fixed and I am SO enjoying the freedom of sex without birth control or the worry of pregnancy haha. In any case, I have plenty of friends who want to try this as soon as it's available and I will direct them to this post!

  4. Baaahahhahaha.

    I tried it. Hated.

    I now have the Mirena. Love.


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