Sunday, June 5, 2016

She Said....

The man came to put the For Sale sign on our house last week and I happened to walk by the window when he pulled up.

I gasped when I saw him and ran to the front door.

Girlfriend and the Baby, are never more than a few steps behind me, and were on the porch before I could even call them to come see.

Girlfriend's all: "Uh. What is he doing?"

She legit went from zero to Sassy in two seconds flat when she saw the guy put a shovel into our lawn.

And I'm like: "Putting a sign on our grass so people know that they can buy our house."

And she's like: "Oh no he's not!"

She was instantly swishing her neck back and forth, and wagging a finger in his direction.... before I could stop her... she was yelling:

"Hey! You! Get out of here! You're at the wrong house! I hate you! Leave!"

So... it's safe to say she's handling this well.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Listening to the Universe

When we moved into this house, almost 8 years ago... we bought it because it was the biggest house we could afford for the money.

We knew we wanted a family, and fast... so we opted to buy a great big ol' house, just the two of us.... an hour from anyone we knew, and just... go for it.

It took awhile, but soon the Universe showed us it's plan.

After 6 years, Husband landed an amazing job, just one mile from our house.

Like he will call me when he gets in his car at the end of his day and be like, "I'm on my way home, what's for dinner...." and by the time he finishes his sentence, he is standing in our kitchen.

It's been an amazing gift... and I know that buying this house was all apart of our plan, because it led us to this wonderful job, which has been amazing for Husband's career.

So when we went to list our house... a friend of mine had just re-newed her real estate license. She had taken a break for about 5 years, which is when the whole technology side of real estate really took off.

Long story short, she was re-learning real estate and was being mentored by the owner of her agency.

I felt good about working with her because I knew that signing with her would be giving her her first big listing as a new (again) agent... and I love to support my friends.

Well, the Universe had other plans.... and sadly, it didn't work out with my friend.

Her mentor wanted her to play hard ball with us, and she brought new numbers to the contract signing... numbers that we felt weren't fair to us.

Poor Husband was sitting at the table ready to sign a contract, with a pen in his hand, when the new numbers were laid in front of him.

Everything felt wrong about that moment, and we opted to hold off, wait it out... think on it.

We piled the kids into the car to hit a few open houses and the new numbers were weighing heavy on our hearts.

We had worked with my friend for six weeks, planning for this big day to sign these papers... and we were absolutely bummed that things had taken a weird and unexpected turn with someone that we trusted to guide us.

We went to an Open House at a beautiful home that I wasn't super into....

It was in a great neighborhood, but it sat beneath these weird humongous power lines and I knew I wasnt into it.

The realtor opened the door and smiled and said, "Hi Guys! This house sold yesterday! But I couldn't cancel the Open House, so come on in! Poke around!"

I loved her instantly.

Before long I was chatting her up, I didn't look at the house at all.

The kids were busy kicking the guinea pig cage (no guinea pigs were harmed in the publishing of this post), and Husband was checking out the basement, while the realtor and I laughed together in the kitchen.

She's a bubbly loud blonde who is easy to talk to, just like me.

I loved her.

She had all the right answers and didn't even realize I was interviewing her... she thought we had a realtor.

And we did... until I met her.

We left that Open House and drove one mile down the road before calling her and asking her to come over and give us a market analysis.

The Universe put us at that Open House that I knew I didn't need to see, just so we would meet her that day.

I am confident of that.

She came by that afternoon, and again the next day.

A week later, and her sign is on my front lawn.

When the Universe is speaking to you... you listen.

I love her because she's hard on Husband too... she's like, "Get up dude, power wash the house, power wash the deck.... this house is not ready and you better make it shine."

Sadly, my "friend," whom we tried to work with in order to be supportive friends, hasn't reached out to us since we balked at her new numbers.

But, we feel that we made the right decision for our family... and are officially on the market.

We've had zero showings, and have an Open House scheduled for next weekend.

My "To Do" list is literally 57 bullet points long... and add to that a needy 2 year old that hangs on my legs and I'll be lucky if anything gets done at all.

Tonight we panicked when we looked at a couple other local listings that have been on the market for a year.

We put everyone in the car, during a torrential downpour, and drove by only to find them abandoned, not on nice lots, close to the road, on busy streets... whatever.

Husband is the panicker and I am the calmer.

At every house I rubbed his hand and told him we would figure it out, we've only been listed three days, we will get there, this is the right thing... we are listening to the Universe.

And when we got home, there was a beautiful double rainbow right in front of our house.

The kids started freaking out and jumping up and down and pointing and I clapped my hands and hung on Husband's arm yelling, "The buyers are coming! The buyers are coming!"

Now.... to make us all believe it.

Please if you are a praying person... keep us in your hearts as we try to move on to a place where our children can get a better education!

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Four to the Store

Sometimes I forget, that my Girlfriend is still only four years old.

She has been so mature for so long... that I literally just freaking forget that she has only been alive for four years, and even though she acts like a teenager, she's still just a little girl.

I try to give each kid one on one Mommy time as much as I can, and last week Girlfriend asked... no... BEGGED me to take her to the grocery store.

By herself.

With her own shopping cart.

We dont have those grocery stores with the little "Shoppers Assistant" carts that all the kids have on Youtube and down South.

But my Girlfriend has seen Youtube videos of kids using those little carts and she decided that she just wanted to do that so so badly... and so, one night last week, I took her, all by herself, with her pink cart.

Now, I'll be honest.

I didn't even know if this was like, allowed.

I mean, not that there are grocery store rules, but, I haven't ever actually seen any kids with their own little carts either, so I made sure that we went at like, 7:30, so the store was basically empty.

It was a treat in itself to go just the two of us, plus going at bedtime, and add in the fact that I didn't use a cart at all, so it was all up to her and it was pretty much the best moment of my Girlfriend's life.

See... seriously, who gets this excited about grocery shopping?

I cant handle it.

She was like bursting with excitement walking through that store.


It was the simplest, easiest way to make her happy and honestly, something that I will never ever forget.

Friday, May 27, 2016

This Is What Happens...

This is what happens when a certain little boy decides that he wants to spy on his parents while they are talking to a contractor near the edge of the woods.

And the little boy decides that the perfect place to hide his face would be behind a tree branch...

And every time you turn his way... he moves the leaves over his face.... and every time you look away... he pulls them back.

He does this enough times that the next morning..... well.... see for yourself.

So, that was Day One... obviously, I kept him home from school. He was put on two different steroids instantly, and let me tell you how fun THAT was for twelve days.

Day Two he looked a little better... but it had spread... and I know people swear it doesn't spread but listen... the kid's body was COVERED in it Day Two.


To the point where I just couldn't expect him to sit in his chair in his classroom without being super uncomfortable and so... Day Two he stayed home too.

He didn't even look like himself he was so swollen.

Mind you... this was NOT poison ivy. This was bumpy and scaly and the Doctor didn't name it but assured me it was NOT Poison Ivy.

Probably an Oak or a Sumac... whatever it was... it took the full twelve days of Steroids to clear up.

When Day Three rolled around... he looked a little better (these photos are being kind, he did NOT look this good and that's coming from his Mother) but he was begging to go back to school and I honestly couldn't take another day of all three kids stuck in the house again so off he went.

Needless to say, when your child looks like he took a bath in Poison Ivy, people are not kind to his Mother.

The Mommy Shamers came out in full force to tell me all the ways I fucked up my kid by letting him play in the yard, by not bathing him in special soap, by not making him wear a snow suit outside to hide him from the leaves... yada yada yada.

I have now accepted three DIFFERENT brands of soap from three DIFFERENT women who all know better than I do apparently, and swear that THEIR miracle soap is the ONLY soap that will save the day every time.

And so, the next time my child is playing in the woods I will use all THREE kinds of soap on him when he comes inside.

But if they don't work... if none of them saves the day...if he looks like this again anyway, even after all the miracle soaps have been used.... I will just use the freaking steroid cream that the Doctor gave us, and life will go on.

Because... at least my child is playing outside, like he should be! And getting weird rashes is apart of childhood ya'll!

Let 'em play! Let 'em scratch! Let 'em find things out the hard way! Love 'em up... but let 'em live too!

It's good for them!

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Nowvel Giveaway

How many photos do you have on your phone?

If you're anything like me... your answer is probably, "One billion."

Recently I had the pleasure of working with some great people behind the free app: "Nowvel."

They were all, " you have one billion photos on your phone? Would you like us to get them off of there and put them into an adorable little book that you will want to strap to your forehead and show the world?"

And I was all: "I do! I do! I would! I would love to strap a book to my head!"

Okay, maybe that's not exactly how it went... but you get the idea.

Nowvel allows you to take pictures right off your phone, and create an automatic photo book on 20 pages of stiff, lay flat, eco-friendly paper stock.

The books are small-ish, at 8 inches; so they are just big enough to show off your photos, but still small enough to stash in your purse to show your girlfriends at the bar.

You know you hate looking at pictures on other people's phones. I do too, obviously.

Now, let me be real for a second here, and if you've been reading for a long time, you already know this: I hate technology.

Technology is Husband's department... he pays for the phone, and I keep it 10% charged... that's our deal in life.

So when I heard from a company about trying out their new app I was like... "Husband. I need help."

After the kids had gone to bed we snuggled up on the couch, and he showed me how to open my App Store... (you think I'm kidding).

We searched, "Nowvel," and downloaded the app and started to check it out together.

Within thirty seconds I realized that even someone as old school as me could figure this thing out, and I pushed Husband out of the way so I could pick and choose my photos on my own.

The app is super clean and organized looking, fun and easy on the eyes... definitely user friendly (thank goodness).

Nowvel organizes your photos into potential albums based on their dates, or let's you create your own.

For example, say you took 87 photos between April 14 and April 16... Nowvel knows that, puts all those photos together, and names the album, "The Weekend," for you... aren't they helpful??

Of course, you don't have to order that book, or ever even open it... it's just there as one of their billion possible options to get those photos off your phone... and into a book.

Tangible memories people! That's what it's all about!

They also organize your photos into things like, "Our Picks," "Just Faces," "Tagged Photos" and "All Photos".... I love that they give you possible albums to print, things that they think you might like.

I kept my book super clean looking with one photo per page because I like a simpler, more classic look... but if you wanted to, you could add up to 5 photos per page, for the same price!!

A book is 20 pages long... so you can actually pack 100 photos in this itty bitty book!!

I absolutely love the way it turned out.

I actually love it so much that I took a picture of almost every single page for you guys, because I couldn't choose just one or two! I love them all!

So nice, right?

The pages are harder than paperback... kind of like a kid's cardboard book... which you know I love because that means my maniac kids cant rip them to shreds.

The cover is also hard; not like, an encyclopedia... but harder than a paperback.

Those in the know call it a, "soft cover"... but I'd call it durable, meaning your kids wont be able to bend it.... and you know my shit is always getting broken, so you can trust me on that one.

Once I had all of my photos picked out, which took me forever because I hate commitment... I moved on to designing my cover.

They offer a slew of different designs... enough to suck you in for a good while.

You can also add your own font to the front and back covers...

The best part is, besides the great quality of my little book... it is super affordable... only $20... seriously, that's less than a buck a page...

Because shipping is INCLUDED!!! I KNOW.

AND... because Nowvel is awesome, they are offering coupon code: COTP just for Our Tiny Place readers... it'll save you five bananas!

And by bananas, I mean dollars... because who gives a crap about saving actual bananas, right?

So... you want to WIN one for yourself??

You want to unload some of those photos off your phone and into an adorable little book for your forehead don't you... I know you do!

Or maybe you want to make one of these bad boys for your Mom for Mother's day?

If you're furiously nodding yes to everything I am virtually asking you..... then your spouse probably thinks your weird as Hell...

So... now would be a great time to fill out the Rafflecopter below to be entered to win a Nowvel of your own... and if you don't win but still want to make your own cute little book, please use the coupon code above!

It is good for 30 days.... so open up your phone, (you know it has no freaking storage left on it)... and start selecting your photos!!!

Have fun!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Monday, April 25, 2016

Moving Update

So... You might think that the above picture means that we listed our house, but we didn't... yet.

But we did start going to Open Houses, and these three little maniacs absolutely freaking love it.

They tear through the houses like: "This is my room! This is my office! Cool, can we keep this old fashioned TV??"

At one house they were all: "TAKE OUR PICTURE WITH THE SIGN!"... so... here it is world.

Me on the other hand.... well, Open Houses have proved to make me a hateful, angry woman.

Every house I go into has smaller rooms than ours, smaller kitchen.... weird layouts.

The realtors are like: "Oh! You are probably noticing that the floors are missing!" or... "The basement is this way.. outside... in the backyard... through this bomb shelter door."

Seriously, what the fuck is the rest of the world living in??

Some towns have no grocery store, or like, weird highways running through them... one house even had a neighbor that had a huge trailor in his yard that said: "TANDASCREWING".

Seriously. T and A Screwing. Like that was the name of their business.

Cant make this shit up folks.

So, we're getting an education, to say the least, and have knocked some towns off the list... added others in their place... basically we are just trying to figure out where the fuck we are going to live that will live up to our standards, at our budget.

Anyway it basically comes down to this: We are absolutely going to upgrade our town... and at our price range, we may have to downgrade from our current home..

And who the Hell wants to do that??

Friday, April 22, 2016

Dirty Looks & Door Handles

So we are driving home from Virginia... and we are at the three hour point, and everyone is getting kinda crazy and loud and annoying so we decide to stop in Delaware at a Wa-Wa.

If you're not familiar with the humongous gas stations that are called Wa-Wa... picture like 30 gas pumps and a grocery store attached to it... like huge.

So Husband is pumping gas, and Boyfriend is dumping his Gatorade bottle full of pee, and Girlfriend is putting her shoes on, and there is a man that stopped his car just to marvel at our circus, and the Baby's freaking shoes are lost in the abyss that is a road trip car....

Can you picture this? We were a hot mess.

So I'm sweating, digging through piles of coloring books and discarded clothes, because apparently we must strip on our road trips, and finally I give up and say to Husband, "You bring the Baby, I'll take the Big Kids."

So I grab Boyfriend and Girlfriend by their wrists, because like I said, we are at Wa-Wa and the place is a freaking mad house... so I'm walking all fast and purposeful, like a Mom on a Mission does, ya know... and I'm all:

"You get one snack, and don't sit on the toilet seat, and don't touch the walls, and don't peak under other people's stalls and don't stare at strangers..."

And my Girlfriend, of course, is not paying attention to me...

I let go of her hand to grab the door handle, and she walks over to the window to look at a poster.

And because this is my life, and we know it is ridiculous...

At the EXACT moment that I swing that door open... hard as fucking Hell... my Girlfriend turns around... and I nearly knock her head off.

I hit that kid in the head with the door so freaking hard, it is amazing it didn't knock her ass out.

This happened two weeks ago and I can still see her head swing backwards when I close my eyes... and it still makes me laugh.

I'm a terrible person.

(Side note: I googled "kid getting hit in the face with door" to try to find a video of what it looked like... and this video is pretty much exactly what happened to my Girlfriend... except with the door handle.)

So anyway, I duff my kid in the face with the door handle as hard as I fucking can, and she kinda blinks once or twice and shakes it off, like: "I'm fine, I'm fine."

And she was!

She is super resilient and tough...

And also?? She doesn't believe in wasting time being hurt when she could be picking out gas station snacks...she is my daughter after all.

SO...... we finally get into the bathroom, and because I hit her in the face with the door, I let her go pee first.

You get hurt, you pee first in my book.

Boyfriend, Girlfriend and myself are all piled into the handicapped / family stall and she sits, (on the toilet paper covered seat of course), and starts to pee and looks up at me.

It occurs to me at this moment that I hadn't really looked at her since I slammed her in the face with the door....

And I notice that she has a huge bruise going down the middle of her face.

Like a huge red raised bump, as wide as the door handle...  that goes from between her eyes, to the top of her forehead.

And at this moment... I just fucking cant.

I lose my mind laughing.

Remember, she's totally fine so don't judge me when I say that I was literally laughing in her face.

I'm not trying to be a mean girl, I just can't not laugh at this whole ordeal.

The stressful ride has officially turned me into a basket case and here I am... Laughing and pointing in my kid's face in a bathroom in Delaware.

So there I was, laughing so hard that I'm choking, when my body remembers that it has to pee...

And I'm like "Get up! Get up get up GET UP! I am going to pee in my pants!"

And I'm laughing so damn hard the kids are looking at me like... ".... the fuck?"

So I reach over,  and yank that kid mid-piss off the toilet and plop my ass down and she's like, "Heyyyyy!!! I peed on my legs because of you!!!"

She's staring at me with these big brown accusing eyes like:  "I will cut you lady. I just peed on myself and you are laughing like a damn hyena on the toilet at Wa-Wa. What is SO FUCKING FUNNY!"

Except she didn't say any of that of course... she just stared at me with her door handle egg head like I had lost my damn mind.

She is so damn beautiful and I shouldn't be laughing at her getting hurt but I just, cant, stop.

I just couldn't.... I couldn't even look at her without crying and laughing and thank God I was on that toilet because LORDDDD.

This is my favorite story in life right now because sometimes I'll just be doing the dishes, or making a bed, or folding laundry, yeh, probably folding laundry cause that's all the fuck I ever do.....and my mind will give me a little present, a little wrapped up gift in the shape of my daughter giving me a dirty look with her door handle bump and I just lose my shit all over again.

And I...... I miiight be a terrible person.... but that... was the funniest moment of my life.


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